Marriage Counseling

kanned0121

I want to apologize upfront if this doesn't make much sense..

For a while now H and I have had issues-nothing huge. But since LO came things have become even harder. I want to do counseling because I want our marriage to be awesome and more stable for out LO. However, H is really against it (bad experience with ex-wife).

For those of you who did counseling, was your SO against it? Was it really helpful? How do you pick a good counselor?

Obviously, any help or tips would be appreciated! TIA!!

TrueBeliever925

I have NO experience in this but after reading this I felt compelled to offer my two cents.  

Thinking about my DH being nervous or resistant against something like this, I would let him choose the counselor and maybe make it a point to find a male counselor? I just sometimes wonder if guys are resistant because they think they are going to sit down with their wife and perhaps another woman and feel "ganged up" on. 

Just a random idea/though. 

LokiLahve

We went a few years ago. DH was very against it (he didn't need someone to tell him how he felt). We finally went & it wasn't how he thought it would be & now he would tell you it's the best thing we've done for our marriage.
My H had nothing previous to base his expectations off of but it sounds like yours does? I would point out that you aren't his ex & you can go to a different counselor. See if he'll agree to a certain number of sessions (I'd say 5) to see if he feels more comfortable this time.
I could go on with a whole novel...let me know if there are specific questions you have. Or feel free to pm me (let me know if you do cause I never see it mobile!)

V&G101808

I'm in the opposite boat and DH has actually asked that we go.  I asked my closest friends if they knew of anyone and they recommended someone wonderful who really helped them in their marriage (one couple in particular).

I'd calmly explain to YH why you think this is important and like PP said, get him involved in the process.  Review different websites, bios, etc.  Our insurance covers counseling so I first looked on their and then researched the doctors listed (prior to getting friend recs).

GL!

CharmedBAcMF

I wanted to do marriage counseling. DH didn't. Now we're getting a divorce. It's not as cut and dry as that, but I honestly think that if we had gone and he had given it a shot, we would still be together.

Good luck, honey. I hope that he sees the light and goes with you.

Soleil3

We did it a few years ago. My H was dead set against it but it was do it or lose me and he didn't fight me onit. We only did a handful of sessions, talking and working on our communication in front of an unbiased third party was extremely helpful.

Texasmomma13

I see a counselor regularly. I started going after my MC, took a hiatis when DD was born, and started back in January when the PPD got to be too much to handle on my own. DH and I went as a couple a few times before we got PG. She really helped with some communication issues we were having and also some issues I was having with his mother. (She's a royal PITA) We've gone a couple of times recently too.
He was always very open to counseling. So, that wasn't a problem. He does complain about it after the fact though. It's annoying that he feels "beat up" after a session. Hopefully, we'll eventually get passed that.  Some of the strongest relationships I know of, are avid therapy fans. I don't see how anyone can stay together without a little guidance. Marriage is hard, yo!

TrueBeliever925

I'm sorry @CharmedBAcMF ((hugs!))

PB102012

I went through counseling with my ex husband. We had a good counseler and ex DH was all for going, but I think I waited too long to go. I had already mentally checked out of my marriage so it didnt help me.

I would try and explain to your DH that you and his ex wife are not the same (he wouldn't have married you if you were I am sure), and that it's in the best interest of your LO to work on things.

Good luck and hugs to you!

MyBaby2013

It's never easy to face the fact that things are not the samw. But it's the first step In the right direction. He is probably having a hard time facing it and IMO men have a hard time seeking help for anything. I could see why he is so against it especially if he has already had a bad experience. Maybe try the approach of this is all for you and you could use his help in a session to work through somethings ? That way he doesn't feel like it is a "us" situation, more of a he is supporting you situation. Good luck luv!

coraggiosa

CharmedBAcMF said:

I wanted to do marriage counseling. DH didn't. Now we're getting a divorce. It's not as cut and dry as that, but I honestly think that if we had gone and he had given it a shot, we would still be together.

Good luck, honey. I hope that he sees the light and goes with you.

hugs @CharmedBAcMF

It sounds like he was probably made to feel like the bad guy with his ex, and now he doesn't want to do therapy. I agree with others that maybe it would help if he got to pick the counselor. He probably felt like he was pulled into therapy before and then got ganged up on. 

lkobriant

I agree with finding a male counselor.  Men who are hesitant have a hard time with a female counselor because of that 'gang up' mentality.  Also, if he's really dead set on not going, maybe consider going by yourself for a bit.  Yes you want to work on the relationship but if that's not an option right now, at lease working on one side of it is better than nothing at all.  

Snowbird7

It seems like some men are sometimes not too keen on visiting a marriage counselor, and would rather try to "take care of it themselves." But that seems silly. Are you not going to go to a dentist for a root canal, not use a pilot to fly your plane, and not let a nurse start your IV ... because you're gonna take care of that yourself?

Cars break down--they need a mechanic. Roofs spring leaks--they need a roofer. Teeth decay--they need a dentist. Marriages are no different; everything needs a tune-up from time to time.

CharmedBAcMF

@truebeliever925 and @coraggiosa, Thanks guys. Never thought I'd be going down this road but it is what it is. =(

kanned0121

I didn't mean to bump and run! Today has been insane.

I really appreciate the advice and support. Being grown up is way harder than it should be.

I talked to DH and he said he'd go. He's not happy, but he said he'd go. Now I'm kind of nervous. Bit at least I know he's willing to make the first step.

@CharmedBAcMF‌ I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

CaliforniaDream87

We did marriage counseling a year after we got married. It was one of the best decisions we had ever made. I strongly recommend it. We didn't want to go the religious counseling route though. We found a great therapist and it worked great for us.

@charmedBAcMF I am so sorry....