Losing friends when pregnant

Anaguisbell

Hi again!,

this is my second posting, and wanted other mom's to be and current moms experiences with the following situation:

Before I became pregnant, I hung out with a group of 3 girls and spoke to them on a regular basis, I have known them for quite some time now. Prior to me becoming pregnant,none of us have ever really talked about kids, or becoming pregnant. We always had the same life plan, work hard, have a great career ,get married and then have kids. I was always the one who said that I wasn't having the kids because I didn't see myself as a mom. Anyways here I am pregnant and EXCITED about becoming a mom. the only "problem" is...My friends, all but one have disappeared. Am I shocked...yes, disappointed.. a little, but I think I should of expected it. I mean I don't have any close friends who are pregnant or are even thinking about having kids anytime soon so there's no one I know who can relate, even my mom said all her friends stood by her, but that was a different time and friends were actually friends. I feel. I'm not alone because i do have family and my fiance' but it gets lonely sometimes when you don't get invited out anymore or get called anymore. Most of them even missed my birthday last week, and they have never missed my birthday before. I am a little extra emotional these days dealing with all these crazy changes to my body and my hormones, so I don't know if I am over reacting or if I should really feel the way I do.My fiance' suggested I ask other moms and moms to be if they have dealt with the same situation.

So here I am asking if anyone has had an experience and how did they dealt with it.

mislogis

It depends. I was married at 25, first of any of our friends. I did lose some friends, bc our lives became SO different. They were dating and could go out whenever etc. It wasn't easy.

That said, my dh and I still maintain a healthy friend balance. Meaning, while we changed after having kids, we still made sure we hired sitters, and went out with friends to keep the friendships going. You can't disappear and expect everything to be the same.


The ones who remain are the ones who can get past life changes and ones you want around. (Weddings, babies, deaths etc)

If you had weekly get togethers, make sure you still go. Don't talk about the pregnancy all the time, bc some don't understand it or don't care. Obviously of they want to talk about it have at it. (I have a friend 9 years younger and every time she sees me it's all about the baby!)


It's a hard course to navigate, and each friend is different, but the good ones will stick around and be supportive and really that's what you want. Not drama etc.

kimberlybethh

A little over half of my friends already had children prior to me having DD. For my friends without kids, I have found I have to make more of an effort to stay connected since we are on very different schedules. Have you tried reaching out to them and inviting them to do stuff?  Maybe they don't know how to react since you are the first one in your group to have a baby.

I know friendship is a two-way street but I found I had to be the one to initially reach out and plan things. I did have a few friends who stopped calling like yours. Most of them came around after I started making more of an effort to hang out. It was important for my friends to see I was still the same person I was before I got pregnant and had a baby. I'm careful not to make my pregnancy or dd the main topic of conversation when we go out. Its not that my friends aren't supportive but there are some details of pregnancy and parenthood that are just not interesting to people who aren't pregnant or don't already have kids. Continue to make an effort with them. They will be receptive or they won't but at least you will know who your true friends really are as the previous poster said. Good Luck!

liz4paws

Just putting this out there as something you may not have considered. And of course, I have no idea if this is the deal or not.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples (and some reports are now 1 in 6.) What if one or more of your friends want children and they have learned can't have them? They might be fighting a secret fight that costs tens of thousands of dollars, invasive medical treatments, and have suffered failure after failure, or even loss. If this is the case, it's unlikely they'd share those struggles with others because it's so very painful and isolating. Many people don't understand that kind of pain, so those who suffer from it do so in silence. I'm not saying this is what has happened, but what if? Just food for thought.

Also you mentioned none of your friends are even thinking about kids soon....many times those who suffer from infertility will brush it off as "we aren't even wanting kids" or dodge the question because it hurts too much. You might not know if they are thinking about them or not, or just trying to avoid the pain of the conversation around it.

tamarar5

I know the feeling. Friends without kids just don't understand and sometimes get scared off-or feel jealous.

I recently lost a friend who blew off both my kids birth, baptisms, birthdays, AND my wedding and reception (held on different days). We obviously wanted very different things in friendship but I don't have time for people who only want my friendship when they need something. So I get the hurt. I'm still trying to move on, and she hasn't even realized yet.

Anaguisbell

oh yea I am always trying to reach out, all 3 of them were begging for me to let them plan and organize the baby shower, yet again, all but one have had any time to help and my shower is a month away. I have asked numerous times to hang out but its always an excuse or they don't show up. As I said I know I am in a different stage of my life then all of them but I always make the effort and reach out to see how they are doing or if they have any plans, they just don't respond to my effort. the one friend who has stuck with me and we still hang out daily and talk daily has been the only one. So now its her and I planning the shower since the other 2 are M-I-A.

Raclla

I have two friends that have avoided me since I became pregnant.  They are struggling with infertility.  I waited to announce my pregnancy and have avoided any postings on FB (other than one generic 'announcement').

They have things going on in their lives that I don't understand.  I don't think twice about it.  They're good friends and we will all be close again in the future.  The time frame is up to them.  I'm ok with that. 

Some people talk about their personal issues, some don't.  It's hard to know what's going on in your friends' lives.  Just take it in stride and be receptive when they come back around.

chase16

Anaguisbell said:

oh yea I am always trying to reach out, all 3 of them were begging for me to let them plan and organize the baby shower, yet again, all but one have had any time to help and my shower is a month away. I have asked numerous times to hang out but its always an excuse or they don't show up. As I said I know I am in a different stage of my life then all of them but I always make the effort and reach out to see how they are doing or if they have any plans, they just don't respond to my effort. the one friend who has stuck with me and we still hang out daily and talk daily has been the only one. So now its her and I planning the shower since the other 2 are M-I-A.

Im going to say this nicely... but this post may be why you're friends are MIA. I know you're really excited about the baby, but if your friends don't want to help with the shower, it's not their obligation. They may have other committments in their life, or maybe just can't handle the burden, financial or otherwise. You are excited about your baby, and right now it is the center of your focus. But that isn't true for your friends.

Anaguisbell

chase16 said:

Anaguisbell said:

oh yea I am always trying to reach out, all 3 of them were begging for me to let them plan and organize the baby shower, yet again, all but one have had any time to help and my shower is a month away. I have asked numerous times to hang out but its always an excuse or they don't show up. As I said I know I am in a different stage of my life then all of them but I always make the effort and reach out to see how they are doing or if they have any plans, they just don't respond to my effort. the one friend who has stuck with me and we still hang out daily and talk daily has been the only one. So now its her and I planning the shower since the other 2 are M-I-A.

Im going to say this nicely... but this post may be why you're friends are MIA. I know you're really excited about the baby, but if your friends don't want to help with the shower, it's not their obligation. They may have other commitments in their life, or maybe just can't handle the burden, financial or otherwise. You are excited about your baby, and right now it is the center of your focus. But that isn't true for your friends.

I get that. and i get what you're saying... if it was true. I said I am excited, but i don't talk about my pregnancy 24/7. If asked how I am doing, I say I am good. End of story, If they ask a question ,I answer it. Like I said before, I am the only one of my friends who is pregnant so of course I am not and I have not been that baby crazy friend who can't shut up about my pregnancy. all the excitement is between my fiance and our families because this is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Just because I say i am excited doesn't automatically mean that i don't stop talking about how excited I am. 

Also,I didn't want a baby shower, I didn't ask for one they VOLUNTEERED themselves to plan it, now I am stuck having to do it because they disappeared. Now, i am sure if you didn't want a party planned and you're friends kept telling you that they want to throw you a party and then they disappeared, you would be disappointed, strictly for the fact that you're left having to plan something you didn't ask for in the beginning. No? My mom and my mother in law volunteered to pay for the entire thing, so the financial burden is not the problem. Also, wouldn't you like to at least get a call, text , a facebook message or something from your friends saying that they no longer want to plan the baby shower so you know that they aren't able to do it? I would hope so!

duckontheloose

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I will say that once I became a mom I have made quite a few new friends, just by getting involved in a mom's group, and taking my daughter to tot classes.  There is hope! 

Anaguisbell

Ptarma said:

Just some random thoughts from me on this: I was right in the middle of friends having babies so when I was pregnant with DS, about half my friends had kids and the other half didn't. I have a couple of friends that never wanted kids so our relationship definitely changed and we didn't see each other as much. I also had to make more of an effort to discuss other things around then bc they just weren't into the baby talk. Myself and another friend were both struggling with infertility issues before I got pregnant (different issues-I was having trouble staying pregnant, she couldn't get pregnant at all). She definitely distanced herself when I got pregnant and I had to respect that. She continues to struggle with it, unfortunately, so I let her take the lead on contact, but we just aren't as close; it is hard for sure. I have developed closer relationships with my friends that have kids. I think in a way it's normal, since they are such a huge part of our lives and at least for me and DH, we don't really get out much without the kiddo. But, I think if they aren't dealing with fertility issues, maybe try reaching out and planning something non-baby related? A girls night out? So they know you aren't all about baby?

first, congrats on the babies!

and I totally understand what you're saying, but I have tried, I have invited them to the pool,the beach, dinner, movies, etc. and that's not what they want to do, they want to go out to dance and have drinks and meet guys ( 2 of them are single) I did try to go to a bar once but it was so uncomfortable (physically) It was in the beginning of my second trimester and I wanted to show them that we can all still have fun like we did before, but I wanted to go home early ( 2 am) and they wanted to continue on! I couldn't.

I think they just want to continue going out and having fun, we live in Miami/Fort Lauderdale so , its all about the nightlife here. The only other friend who hasn't been M-I-A has been hanging out with me and we found a lot of things to do.

FrodaBaggins

I feel you on this. My best friend since childhood lives a world away in New Zealand. My best friends from high school live far away. I lost touch with most friends from college and over the past eight years I've really only made one super close female friend. I have women in my life who are moms who I could see myself having potentially really good friendships with, but they live on opposite sides of a very big city where location is EVERYTHING when it comes to getting close with people, so I never see them. I totally understand the feelings of loneliness! I am hoping to meet some fellow moms in my area when our son goes to daycare. 

MamaValley

I'm sorry you're going through this. As you can see above, you're not alone. The same happened to me when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was pretty much devastated for awhile. Once your baby is here, though, you will be so busy for awhile that you won't even notice. Your priorities will shift and you'll realize you're better off. There are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

Sarafar4

I'm sorry fir the stress your duration is causing. Feeling the distance grow between friends is tough. My first thought is to try to reach our, but it seems like you've tried this... I went through a period where I had to convince my happy hour group I was still down to cond out (there are nachos involved after all). Sometimes, it's not you, though, and your friends may be going through busy or tough times themselves right now. Friendships have a natural ebb and flow. In a month or two they could be hearing from them again! In the end, remember that not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime and many are based on convenience and commonalities. If this is the case, there's not much you can do... Good luck!

nemodancer

I hear you. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I have one little one, and not many friends in the area I'm at. Most of my "friends" are people I met through my husband. My husband's friend's wife is a stay-at-home mother to a child that's a little bit younger than ours, but I don't want to hang out with her too much because she's very bossy and clingy. I just feel obligated to be her friend 'cause her husband and my husband have been friends since childhood. My former friends, I drifted apart from them for different reasons, and we're not in the same place in life anymore. They're not married with kids. It can be lonely these days being a stay-at-home mother to a young one, but I love being a mom too! Maybe trying mommy meetup groups would be a good start! It is sad and lonely when you become a parent but your old friends aren't there anymore. I hope your situation gets better!

SLMckinnon

nemodancer said:

I hear you. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I have one little one, and not many friends in the area I'm
at. Most of my "friends" are people I met through my husband. My
husband's friend's wife is a stay-at-home mother to a child that's a
little bit younger than ours, but I don't want to hang out with her too
much because she's very bossy and clingy. I just feel obligated to be
her friend 'cause her husband and my husband have been friends since
childhood. My former friends, I drifted apart from them for different
reasons, and we're not in the same place in life anymore. They're not
married with kids. It can be lonely these days being a stay-at-home
mother to a young one, but I love being a mom too! Maybe trying mommy
meetup groups would be a good start! It is sad and lonely when you become a parent but your old friends aren't there anymore. I hope your situation gets better!

????? April was a loooonng time ago. None of us are pregnant any more