Working Moms

Nanny issues.. am I nitpicking?

When I hired our nanny, I did not write up a "contract".. but, our job description clearly stated "light housework".. when I interviewed, I expressed to everyone that all I expected from them was to clean up after the kids and if you are able to, wash the bottles from the baby (2 or 3 a day).. Our nanny is here part time (3 days a week) and 2 of those days my husband works from home.  The first week my husband made a BRUTAL mistake by telling the nanny she didn't have to pick up the kids' toys because they would just pull them back out after she left.. seriously, I could have choked him for that!! So, this meant I was coming home to a house that was just a mess.. every room had toys scattered, and it would take us a good 45 minutes after the kids went to bed to pick everything up and wash the bottles and dishes, etc.  My husband did talk with her.. he spun it in such a way that put the focus on us wanting to teach DS1 (who's 21mos) the importance of picking up after yourself, etc.  Things improved, some.. toys are 3/4 the way picked up, but usually just thrown wherever in a jumbled, mess, but at least it's an attempt at picking up.  I fully understand that not everyone will try and keep things as organized and "sorted" as I do (meaning, blocks in one bin, legos in another, action figure/little people guys in another, etc)..

My issue is.. there are still so many other things that are just driving me nuts.  MESSY things.  Perhaps its her personality.. not everyone keeps a neat home, etc.. but, I'm finding it really difficult and not sure how to address.  When she feeds the kids lunch, she never puts the dishes in the dishwasher or washes them.. it all gets piled in the sink (along with the bottles).. 3 times now she's microwaved something for the kids and it's exploded all over the microwave and she's just left it.. so then I get to come home and scrub out my microwave.. she dripped BBQ sauce all over the kitchen floor, didn't bother to wipe it up.. last week there was yogurt splashed on the floor and my wall -- looked like maybe my son tossed his spoon and splattered it or something.. but, she left it.. last week before I left for work, I had given my older son a piece of a muffin and I handed her a piece and said the baby would eat bites of it... so, she fed it to him, but in the process dropped crumbs all over the floor.. legit, a mess.. I bent down and cleaned them up.. in front of her!!.. and she didn't seem phased...

I am just feeling at a loss.. it's hard enough keeping the house clean with 2 kids and working.. but, add on being pregnant.. I'm so tired..!  One of the main reasons we chose to do a nanny was because we wanted to keep the boys in our home, but I never expected I'd have to worry about coming home to a mess!  I mean, I get it.. some days are rougher than others.. but, there's been a few times that my husband was working from home and said both kids napped for an hour or 2 overlapping.. but even still, nothing was done..

I also have some other concerns.. like, SO many times I come home and the boys diapers feel like they haven't been changed ALL day... and, suddenly, we've been battling non-stop diaper rash that only seems to be at it's "worst" on the days she's here.. I keep thinking that it's just coincidence, but IDK!  I know DH asked her specifically to make a point to change them a little more often and see if that helps with the diaper rash.. I imagine she's doing it.. it's not like I can ask her how many times a day she's changing them... I mean, I'd imagine often.. she burns through diapers and wipees like crazy.. sometimes, she'll use 8-10 diapers each kid in one day.. how the hell that happens I have no clue.. and yet, when I get home, they're soaked to the point of almost leaking through their clothes.. that only happened once (where I know exactly how many diapers she used), and only because I had just filled the thing the night before, and there were only 2-3 diapers left for each kid... weird.

Anyway.. I'm just at a loss.. how do I address the cleanliness aspect?  What do I say?? "I'd appreciate it if you'd clean up after you and the kids a little better".. "including but not limitted to explosions in the microwave, spilled food on the floor, etc".  It just seems like a really awkward conversation.

I'm really torn.. on one hand I feel like we should keep looking around.. on the other hand.. I feel like she genuinely cares for my boys.. and that's something I really really wanted to find.. someone who would care for them and love them when I'm not here with them.. plus.. if I did decide to look around.. what's the etiquette on that?  I can't go back to the nanny site I used to find her, because then she'll see.. and, I just feel deceitful..

What wuold you do?
Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03 BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d. BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012! BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013.  BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!

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Re: Nanny issues.. am I nitpicking?

  • You need to be very clear and direct.

    "The boys' diapers need to be changed every __ hours (most DC do 2 hours), or immediately when dirty. If they have a diaper rash, or redness, apply diaper cream.

    We need the toys picked up and sorted in appropriate bins by the end of the day. If something spills, dribbles, explodes, etc, please clean it up as soon as you can. We also need the dishes to be rinsed and placed into the dish washer / bottle nipples washed by the end of day."

    Of course you can deliver the message in a friendly way, but do not sway from your original intent. It might not be a bad idea to strike up a contract even now. She apparently doesn't know what you want, and she really can't know what you want unless you tell her. I would wait awhile to see if things improve after you talk before looking for a new nanny, especially if you're happy with the way she interacts with your boys.




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  • I agree with PP. Need to be nice, but direct. You are the boss after all. I would say something like--I understand some days are harder that others but it helps me a ton if you pick up after the children as best as you possibly can. I have also noticed a few times things have spilled and not been cleaned up and then they get sticky and harder to clean after awhile...Please make sure you are wiping up after breakfast and lunch, i consider that part of cleaning up after the kids.
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  • You are not being nitpicky, but you didn't set clear expectations, nor have you given adequate feedback.

    I would never, ever hire someone without a contract.  I think you could draw up a contract, sit down with her, and go over it. 

    Standard diaper change frequency for daycare is every 2 hours and immediately for BMs.  That would be my expectation for anyone taking care of my child.

    We did a nanny share with DD and another baby.  The nanny took care of two babies, but the house was always neat and the bottles always washed by the end of the day. 


    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • You are not being nitpicky, but you do need to be clearer in your communication. I would do a contract now.
    My TTC History:
    2009: missed miscarriage #1 at 9 weeks (trisomy 16)
    2010: Infertility
    2011: Diagnosis and treatment (low sperm count, anastrozole for DH, clomid for me + IUI)
    2012: Baby #1
    2014: Baby #2
    October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
    March 2016 BFP#5, due November 2016.

    My Charts since 2009

  • Could you have her fill out a sheet each day like daycares do?  Indicate the times they were fed, changed, napped, etc?  You could spin it as wanting to make sure everyone is on the same page and following the same routine.

    Also, I don't think you are being nitpicky.  Yes, some days are harder than others.  However, in one hour of an overlapping nap she could straighten up, do the dishes, and still have downtime.  That to me is just lazy.
  • VORVOR member

    Definitely talk to her and give her a chance.  But I'll be honest - it sounds like she just isn't a clean person.  For her to SPILL stuff and not clean it up?  To not change clearly full diapers? 

    It's one thing if she put everything in the sink but didn't have a chance to wash it or put it in the dishwasher - as you said, some days are busier than others.  But SPILLS should be dealt with. 

     

    I would expect to see a change initially.  But in time - I expect her lack of cleanliness will continue to crop up. 

    She's a NANNY- she should know when/how often to change diapers. 

     

    I would expect you'd be able to find  another nanny who also truly cares about your boys. 

  • Thanks all... I think I'm going to discuss it with her on Tuesday, when I see her next... It's just going to be such an awkward convo!
    Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03 BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d. BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012! BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013.  BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!

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  • You're her boss, write down talking points if it helps make it less awkward for you. Her cleaning up after meals and messes is totally reasonable.

    Our nanny will leave the playroom a mess, but so do DH and I. And she does clean it if it gets out of control. She also always keeps the kitchen clean after a meal (and we leave it clean when she comes after breakfast).
    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • I really think you should write up a list of things to address. You can call it a mini-review or status meeting and invite her to also raise any concerns or questions. That way it's not just you disciplining her. But the issues you mentioned are not small, nit picky ones. They need to be addressed now.
    DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13
  • I like all the prior suggestions about having a list and sitting down vs. doing this as a brief chat while dangling a baby on the hip. To make it less awkward you can set it up as "transition to work has been challenging and you have been thinking what she can do to make your evening easier. Here is a list..." This way it's not about what she failed to do so far but about what she needs to do in the future.
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  • I can try and give my opinion in two ways. First, I was a nanny before full-time. Its hard! I wasn't expected to do any cleaning, and I was busy ALL day! Its just like being a parent, but (and I don't know this for sure, since I am just TTC) in some ways more difficult, because its not your child. Therefore, from the nanny's perspective, maybe she is so busy playing with the kids, watching them, making sure they are safe, healthy and happy, that cleaning is last on her list?

    That said, as a nanny, I ALWAYS picked up the children's toys, did dishes when I could and cleaned (even though it wasn't required). It sounds like your nanny is just really dirty. Which brings me to the second point of view, which is of you, the parent. The cleaning would bother me, but not as much as the diaper issue. That is serious!! Have you thought of a nanny cam? If she is not changing the diapers enough, it makes you wonder, what else is she skimping on?

    Regarding the cleanliness I would sit her down (you ARE her employer) and say, I think we need to discuss a couple things that have been bothering me. Then have a list ready. Make it really straight forward. "When I hired you we discussed light cleaning, this is what I need you to do before I get home everyday". 1)... 2)... 3)...

    I definitely don't think you are being too nitpicky. The diaper situation is very worrisome, and the cleanliness thing is not worth your sanity. You are paying her, but can't get mad at her for issues you are not willing to discuss. Therefore, talk about it, and if it doesn't change, maybe consider a new nanny.


  • She sounds kind of immature. Even messy people should be clean and conscientious of other peoples homes/ their job. There is time to do the dishes when the kids are napping. I disagree that being a nanny is harder since they aren't your kids. It is much easier since you get to go home each night. Sounds like your nanny may be young and a talk would probably fix things for you guys .

    She is mid-50's! Which is part of the reason I really didn't expect any of this... And, also part of the reason why I'm a little uncomfortable addressing it.. It would be like me scolding my Mom... She has 25+ years on me... But, I'm going to discuss it with her... DH is home 2 out of 3 days she's here.. And the way our house is setup he has a good ear on what's going on... I didn't want to do the nanny cam.. I felt like if I didn't trust the person without watching with a camera, then they weren't the right fit... I can try and be more conscientious of the diaper situation... Especially because I feel like this is the 2nd or 3rd time their diaper rash was really bad only on days with her, and then within a day of me being with them it clears up... Could be chance, but could also be from not being changed often enough or properly.. It's tough!
    Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03 BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d. BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012! BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013.  BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!

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  • @JulyMomma2U2, I am sorry you are having issues with your nanny already :(

    I agree these are not nitpicky issues.  I actually did have this discussion with our former nanny a couple times when I was pregnant.  We did not have a contract either, but she was hired with the understanding that I didn't want my house in any worse condition than when I left it basically.  If there were some toys out when I left, there could be some toys out when I got home.  If there were no dishes in the sink when I left, I did not want any in the sink when I got home.  if the floor was not a crumbly mess when I left, I wanted it to look that way when I got home.  I mean when I am home with DS and he spills something on the floor, I can still watch after him and clean up the mess, so I would expect her to do the same.  When he would finish his bottles, I would wash them, so I would expect a professional to be able to watch a child and clean bottles as well.  She was really good for awhile, but then she started being a little messier.  (She brought her son with her as well.)  For example, I would have to vacuum crumbs from our living room at night even though we don't allow eating in the living room.  Honestly, I'm kind of a wimp, so I just blamed it on the pregnancy.  I would say, "Sorry if this seems obnoxious, I'm sure it's just my hormones, but it's really been bothering me that I've had to vacuum food crumbs out of the living room every day this week when we don't allow food in the living room.  Can you please make sure no one is eating in there?"  I had a real problem disciplining her though, so I don't think my tactic of blaming it on the hormones is necessarily the best.  Plus it's also temporary (i.e. when you're not pregnant she may think she can go back to how it was).

    You might just want to phrase it as, "Look, I know you're busy taking excellent care of my children all day, but for example, just last week, I had to clean the inside of the microwave when I got home because of something you had presumably cooked which had exploded...BBQ sauce off the floor...etc. etc.  I certainly don't expect you to be cleaning my toilets or anything, but I would appreciate it if you could clean up after yourself/the kids during the day while you're with them.  I just would like the house to be in roughly the same state when I get home as it is when I leave."

    As far as the toys being left out, I would probably let that go (and I did when we had a nanny).  From being home with DS on weekends, etc., I know that as soon as I put any of his toys away, he pulls them back out, pulls new ones out, etc.  I actually don't clean up his toys until nap time or after bed, when I know they will stay put away for an extended period.  But when I was getting home at 6ish and I knew DS had been up from his nap for 2-3 hours, I was never appalled that there were toys all over, because I know that it is literally impossible to keep the play room clean when he's awake. 

    I hope you are able to resolve this.  The good news is, it's a new relationship so you can always sort of blame it on the "newness."  Our nanny we didn't start having issues with until she'd been with us for awhile, so it was kind of like, "Why have we never talked about this before?"  You can always sort of blame yourself:  "I'm sorry, I don't think we were very clear in setting out our expectations, and so I just wanted to chat with you to make sure we are all on the same page and don't have any issues in the future."  And you don't even have to identify specific things she did.  Just "clarify" that you expect her to clean up her/the kids' messes, and that you expect her to clean up after meals, etc.  You don't even have to put her on the defensive of pointing out places she's failed.

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  • Thanks all!  We did end up having a discussion about some of these things on Tuesday, and overall I felt like it went over well.  I just opened up the conversation by asking her how things are going and how she's adjusting, etc and if she had any problems or concerns.  Luckily, she then asked how we think things are going, and do we have any concerns.. which, gave me my lead in.  I just mentioned the dishes aspect and cleaning up a bit in the kitchen.  She was very receptive and actually said she thinks it would be easier if she cleaned up instead of maneuvering around a sink full of dishes.. she said she hadn't been doing it because MH had told her she could just leave the dishes on the counter/in the sink when she first started (I swear, I may strangle this man!!).. She said she thought maybe he wanted her to do that so he could see how much the kids were eating of their lunches, etc.. but, I informed her to NEVER listen to anything my husband says anymore because he's a man and doesn't think!  (He of course claims he never said that.. or "maybe I said it like the first day when she was getting acclimated".. but, whatever, it's neither here nor there).. I mentioned about the microwave, and she did get a little defensive and said oh she always covers the food and that she's short and can't always see if something has splattered (the microwave is over our range).. I don't really buy that, but hopefully just bringing it to her attention will be enough to correct it.. I didn't point out any other specific incidents, like food on the floors or yogurt on the wall, etc..but, I'm hoping that just pointing out that cleanliness is a factor for me is enough.

    I feel like part of this is our issue.. I apologize all the time for the house being "a mess".. but, "mess" is used loosely.  Our house is clean.  The floors are swept and mopped, the carpets are vacuumed.. the bathrooms are cleaned, the kitchen is cleaned.. the "mess" part is that DH and I tend to let mail accumulate on the counter, or magazines, or we often have laundry (clean and folded) in baskets laying around.. (I hate putting laundry away!!).. that's the "mess" part.. So maybe she assumes since "that mess" is okay, the other stuff isn't a big deal to me either.  I did stress about how we're constantly trying to find a balance between keeping everything neat and tidy and us both working and me being pregnant.. it's tough to always keep everything straightened up and spotless when you get home at 6, feed and bath 2 kids, put them to bed and then tackle dishes and the daily mess, ya know.. so I just said all of the little things that she's able to fit in during the day are a huge help to us in the evening (washing the bottles, putting their dishes in the sink, etc)..

    I hope this convo helps.. really, I do..
    Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03 BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d. BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012! BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013.  BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!

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  • VORVOR member
    OMG.  Your DH.  Yeah... sounds like the talk went well and that there was some genuine miscommunication/misunderstanding.  And HOPEFULLY this will lead to her being more thorough when there are messes. 

    Good luck. 
  • Glad you had a good talk but I still think you should have been more direct and specific about everything and written it all down. The food on the floor and the walls should have been mentioned. But go with this for a week and reevaluate. Glad this was a start to open communication!
    I'm struggling with that because I don't want to come across as micro-managing.. we'll see how this goes for now, and if it's still an issue, I'll have to start writing things out.. it's also hard because I only see her once a week.. so, a lot of things get relayed through DH.. which, clearly can't happen in the future because he sends mixed messages!!!
    Loss #1: 18w5d.. D&E 04Mar03 BFP #2: Jun2011.. missed miscarriage. D&C 08Jul2011 8w4d. BFP #3: Nov2011.. Our Rainbow Baby!!! DS Born: 15Jul2012! BFP #4: Nov2012.. 2U1 - DS2 born 12Jul2013.  BFP #5: 01Jan2014..3U3!!

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    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    My blog about raising 2U2!
  • Glad you had a good talk but I still think you should have been more direct and specific about everything and written it all down. The food on the floor and the walls should have been mentioned. But go with this for a week and reevaluate. Glad this was a start to open communication!
    I'm struggling with that because I don't want to come across as micro-managing.. we'll see how this goes for now, and if it's still an issue, I'll have to start writing things out.. it's also hard because I only see her once a week.. so, a lot of things get relayed through DH.. which, clearly can't happen in the future because he sends mixed messages!!!
    I am really big on not discounting DH's contributions to our household and raising our kids, but...I would really be tempted to cut him out of the nanny line of communication here. I know it's tough since he's the one that actually sees her a few days a week, but in your shoes I think I may start calling and texting her a few times a week rather than sending messages through him. You could even say that he's got a really busy day of work (in his home office) so you wanted to give her a call directly rather than interrupting him.
    DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13
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