9 year old lying (might be long)

ImJessesGirl

My DD's father and I got a divorce when DD was 4 years old. I was a single mother for 4.5 years until I met my now DH. We have all noticed DD's penchant for lying in various degrees for quite a few years now. It started small, of course. She would lie when trying to get out of trouble, which is totally normal (albeit an unacceptable habit) for kids. However, in the past year or so, we (meaning myself along with her other parents) have all noticed that DD is lying extensively. She lies to EVERYONE. There is no one situation that she lies in. Basically, she lies to gain attention with parents, peers, teachers. She lies to get out of trouble... even if it is only perceived trouble that actually is no big deal. She lies as a knee jerk response when she doesn't know the right answer to something. She lies to embellish upon a story. She lies for almost no reason at all sometimes. It has gotten so bad, we believe nothing she says anymore. She has been punished so many times for this, I can't even count. We have tried taking away privileges, taking away toys/electronics she loves. Currently, she is punished from EVERYTHING and can do nothing but school work at the kitchen table when she is not doing chores. She is currently in dance 2 nights a week only because we have paid for this year's tuition, costumes, and recital fee and don't want to waste the money already spent. However, she has been made aware that continuing to lie will result in no dance for the entire year next year. We have also set her up with a child psychologist for the entire summer while she is with her dad.

More story .... DD's step mom and I were talking the other day and we are in agreement that DD lies because it is part of the underling problem that DD feels the need to control everything. She wants to be the center of attention in every situation. She loves my husband, yet has told her step mom that while she doesn't mind having a step dad, she doesn't like him being in our house because he takes my attention away from her (this is not true. We both pay attention to her, but it is true in the sense that DD is no longer the SOLE receiver of my attention because there is another person in the house). DD is mean to her brother and sister at her dad's house because, as she has told her step mom, they get more attention than she does. It has been explained to her multiple times that they get what is perceived to be more attention because they are babies (one is 2 and one is 6 months). When DD is not the center of attention, she will act out to ensure that she is paid attention to. Lying is part of it. She lies to gain attention, I guess.

I am at my wit's end. I have cried more about this than anything. I have punished, I have talked to her and asked her why she lies and she says she doesn't know.

Any advice from other parents???

neverblushed

Props to you, Mama, for seeing the situation for what it is and responding to it in a proactive way.  

I know this has got to be distressing, and I agree that there's practically nothing more horrible and unnerving than knowing your child is being dishonest with you.  However, here are some things I see that are in the "plus" column for you:  you're being realistic about the situation, sounds like you are working with and communicating with the other adults involved, you have sent your DD a strong message that you care about her by telling her this behavior is unacceptable and that you will work with her to stop it, you have sought professional help for your daughter.

I would not expect her to stop just because you are punishing her or taking away privileges.  If she could make herself stop right now, she wouldn't be doing it. She knows it's wrong.  That being said, I think that being consistent with a consequence sends her a message that you're on top of this, and that despite getting married, she is still your priority.  Part of this is certainly her way of testing you to see if you will enforce the rules. I suspect that it will take some months of working with a therapist for her to sort this out, but that by the end of the summer you'll probably see progress.

One thing I've done when I suspect that my kids are lying is to give them a "do-over" when I know they are telling a lie.  Instead of just accusing them of lying, I'll say something like, "Hmmm... some things about what you are saying to me seem suspicious.  You've been dishonest about this at times in the past, so I don't know if I can believe you right now.  You need to think about what you've just said and try again."

Admittedly, this doesn't work in every situation, and it's best used in low-key situations where I know the truth.  Doing this gives the child a semi-honorable way out of the lie.  We still have the same conversation about the importance of honesty, but instead of berating my kid for lying, I can praise him/her for having the courage to come forward with the truth when given a second chance. It changes the whole dynamic of the conversation around the lying.

ImJessesGirl

Very good advice from both of you!!! THank you so much!

QTee

Perhaps you should rethink your consequences, they are very harsh. She might feel like she if she screws up once there is no hope for recovery. No dance for the next year is intense! Plus, some degree of exercise and activity is good for her mental and physical health. Maybe consider rewarding her for honesty. For example, if you answer my questions honestly this evening we'll do X activity together (play a game, go for ice cream, go to the park). Very immediate rewards and small, tangible goals, are more useful at changing bad habits.

janinekrause

Sounds like a lot going on in her little head. I agree- I would stop punishing. I would make sure both you and ex with schedule alone time with her so she feels important. I know you pay attention to her but do you do things just you and her (no husband?). If not, I would start doing that and ask your ex to do the same.  She was the ONLY one who mattered for 4 1/2 years to you- so any attention seeking behavior (lying) will only get worse in this new dynamic.

 

 

You are focused on the lying but I would be focused on changing dynamics, and why she feels the need for attention. I am in no way saying anyone is doing anything wrong because it sounds like a very loving household, but you need to dig deeper than just the lying- that is a reaction to something- even if it just perceived. Great to hear she is signed up for therapy- I would actually consider a family therapist where you can be part of it also.

emberlee3

I don't have direct experience, but I think "How to talk so kids will listen" is a great book for just about anything. Punishment makes the child focus on the punishment an resenting the punisher, rather than on changing their own behavior.

ImJessesGirl

-auntie- said:

I think the psychologist is a fine idea. The degree to which she lies sounds pathological. 

I have a niece who was like this as a kid- there was nothing about which she wouldn't lie. Her life was like a work of fiction. She'd lie to get out of trouble, to make herself more appealing to others, to test boundaries and sometimes because she was bored. She also persisted in "magical thinking" for much longer than is developmentally appropriate. It was like "I can tell you're lying because your lips are moving".

She had a less than ideal childhood and lived with me for a time. We were working with psychologists for a few years with her. At first they all made the assumption that it was somehow not entirely her fault; that she was a victim of her parents' failed marriage, her mom's illness and eventual death, moving schools. You name it, it was given as an excuse.

 The first couple all made the suggestion to spend 1:1 time with her, but frankly she was the kind of kid for whom no amount of individual attention was enough. We finally found a great psych who "got" DN and helped us put behavior mods in place. We made it a practice to not engage her in scenarios that would give her the opportunity to lie. We ignored most of what she fabricated unless it was slander or intended to bring retribution to others.

OMG this. EXACTLY this. I don't know how to give her any more than I already do unless I quit my job and take her out of school. We are literally together all.the.time.