Stepson

bttrflyprnc7

So. Have a 11 year old stepson and we see him tues and thurs 3-8 and every other weekend Saturday 9am till Sunday 8 pm. He lives with his mom and other half siblings with her new bf parents and she has since moving in with them she can't get Lang with them so now instead of having the parents take him and sister down the street to bus stop she take them to her parents house to have her take them to school( her house is 20 mins away instead of stay at the house they live in that's 2 minutes away from the school). The big problem is she wakes u the children at 525 am to lave and go to her parents house he can't take a shower in morning and she takes them out to her brothers or mothers at night for dinner a lot and doesn't et the kids home till 9 pm, so he can't ale shower at night . We found out again today that he didn't have a shower since at our house Saturday night. He smelled so bad. Not joking. I don't know what we can do about what she is doing. He is afraid of his mother she always yells at him and she is the boss. She doesn't care about weather they get showers, this is words from my stepson. She never spends time with her children. I tell my husband he should sit down with her but he never does

nurrieum

Ummmmmmmmmmmm.... 

First, you have to relinquish control. Also, you can't dictate what goes on at her house. If something needs to be address for SS's health and saftey then your Dh needs to get on that. It doesn't matter who he sees or where she takes him on her time. It's her time. If you want that changed, the only answer is get a lawyer and go to court.

If you have legitimate concerns of abuse you need to call CPS or DHS and report it. 

SimpleJane

Why can't he shower at night?

+just+j+

Why doesn't your husband try to get custody? 

Ilumine

I'm with SimpleJane.  Granted, getting home at 9pm is late for an 11yo, but showers should not take more than 7-10 min IF that, to begin with.  

So by 11, he is old enough to be able to walk into the shower, turn it on, step in, lather, rinse, repeat if necessary, turn the water off, get out and dry off. 

Now if you are telling me that his mother ban him from using the shower on those late nights and/or the nights where she is not going out to dinner.  I would have more sympathy.  HOWEVER....

my 12yo SS refused to shower more than every 3rd day or so (and would only change his underwear when he showered).  It was explained to me by more than a handful of people that this is a boy thing and to not sweat it.  

So unless you can honestly say that your SS is not PART OF the problem here, this is one of those situations where you just have to let it go.  At some point HE will have to take responsibility for HIS body. 

Wahoo

OMG - 11 yo can get so stinky!

Does it bother SS that there is no time for a shower, or does he not really care?  If you really think he stinks (but he doesn't seem to care), then you can insist on his days with you that he showers at your house.  Yes, it juts into your "family time" but is important.

If he doesn't care, then your H needs to have a talk to him about hygiene.   Also, that he will be thought of as "that kid who smells" and he will not outlive it!   Your SS at 11 yo should be old enough to take a quick shower, at 5:30, 9 pm, or any time in between.  If he has gym or sports, he can shower after gym.  You can also provide him with a small shower caddy with some all-in-one shampoo/body wash and deodorant.

If SS DOES care, and he is being prevented from taking showers because BM "doesn't have time" or is "too busy," then your H needs to step up to the plate and address it.  He needs to make it clear that hygiene is considered in measuring how well SS is cared for, and if he constantly comes to your home smelling like he needed a bath three days ago, he is going to speak to his lawyer about getting SS for extra time.   

Maybe speak to a counselor at school, or the school nurse, to see if she agrees to back you up? 

CurlyQ284

Just chiming in to say 11 year old girls hate showers as much as the boys. My SD2 can clear a room when she "forgets" her deodorant for the millionth time. I would really hate to be a 6th grade teacher.

ambrvan

My aunt is a middle school teacher and says a lot of her students never get any hygiene interest our talk from their parents. In the cases where she knows the kids are being made fun of or she fears it is becoming a health problem she talks to the students herself. She also gives new deodorant to the ones that need it.

All discreetly of course and with efforts to contact their parents about the issues.