HELP! My 2 Year Old is driving me INSANE!

gnrkrystle1

I know the 'terrible twos' are a real thing. I know that everyone struggles with tantrums and hardheadedness. However, I think my son is abnormally difficult. He's been ruled out for autism (at least so far), but he has warning signs that something is wrong. For one, his speech is delayed. It's not silent. He talks. All the time. But never in English. At 2.5 he is impossible to communicate with. He seems to understand at least 80% of what I say, and I give some pretty complex directions. But I get nothing back. Only about 1/3 of the time does he actually do what he's asked. He's in speech therapy but I've not seen much of an improvement. 

He's strong willed and will have a MELTDOWN when he doesn't get what he wants. I'm not a permissive mother who gives in. He melts down no matter what. And he will have his meltdown for over and hour sometimes. He doesn't play with toys like they are supposed to be played with, no matter how many times I show him. Basically he wants to either break them apart, or just throw them all over the floor. 

I get so frustrated, it's not even fun to play with him. I cry daily because I don't know what else I can do and I start to think he will never be well behaved enough to take out in public for any extended period. Even at his grandparent's house, he's a nightmare. They don't want to babysit him. We hired a babysitter, hoping that by paying someone, they'd just deal with it without complaint.Here's the thing...he's a perfect angel (well not perfect, but you get the idea) with the babysitter. She never has problems beyond the norm with him. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Anyone have any ideas, hints, similar issues? 

gnrkrystle1

He has been referred to early intervention and they should be making an appointment soon. From everything they have heard and seen they do not believe it's autism for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is INCREDIBLY social, plays well with kids his age, and it's obvious that he can and does follow directions when he WANTS to. The question is, why is he so much less willing to do so more frequently than other kids, and why are meltdowns so out of control. I'm just sick of yelling at him, feeling guilty, and not even wanting to play with him and feeling guilty about that too. 

blu-eyedwife

@Nicb13's recommendation for behavioral therapy is a sound one.

I'd be willing to bet that a lot of his behavior stems from the speech delay - the inability to communicate is so frustrating.  And at this age they are so very aware of their wants, that being unable to get them is bound to cause unwanted behavior.

My son's friend is also speech delayed and has some behavioral problems - like your son, it makes him more difficult to deal with than your average "terrible twos."  They're in school together, and he's not necessarily an angel there - he seems to have more problems listening/following directions than many of his peers, resorts to throwing/biting/pushing/etc.  He's just starting speech therapy and behavioral therapy.  I think they both kind of go hand in hand.

happyseeker

Wow, it sounds like you're in the thick and I can feel your pain! I really want to encourage you that this will pass, though, momma. I found a series of articles that might be helpful at https://bit.ly/KVixu6 and https://bit.ly/1gCM7MA. I think it's a good sign that he's well-behaved for the baysitter, don't you?Please hang in there, get some rest when you can. and keep us posted. Sending you a hug.

gnrkrystle1

Thank you! I'll give those articles a read. I'll try ANYTHING! 

Yes, I do think it's a good thing he's well behaved with the babysitter. I'm sort of waiting for him to get used to her and see if he turns on her too! :P 

Xath

If it's frustration from his speech delay, have you tried introducing sign language?  It may help him communicate enough to you that he doesn't instantly fall into fits.  

gnrkrystle1

The thing is, I try gesticulation and it works better than speech, but as far as sign language...I don't know it myself. Teaching it to him would be very difficult. 

ashiscute

How long has he been in speech therapy?  Was he evaluated in any other areas?  I agree with PP that it sounds like behavior therapy would be incredibly beneficial for you both.  My DD is 3 and has a speech disorder.  She began speech therapy at 17 mos and while she has made huge progress can still be very difficult for me to understand.  However, she has never had the other issues you are describing.  So, even though I agree the two issues could go hand and hand I wouldn't rule out getting him other help.  

In regards to sign language it is not difficult at all to teach!  My DD started off with a few basic signs and it was incredibly helpful for her.  If you allow him to watch TV there are a series of videos called "Baby Signing Time" that teach signs that my kids love.  They have lots of repetition with words and signs.  They are done by children with songs so it's easy for kids to follow.  That will teach basics like water, more, all done, help, etc.

Bottom line if you think there is an issue keep fighting for your LO.  You know him best and are his best advocate.  If at any time you are not satisfied with his services from EI you can call a meeting and ask for another evaluation.  Those are your rights.  Good luck. 

Jtiki

Here is another vote for baby signing time. Learning even a few signs, made things much better for us. And it was easier than I thought to learn basic words Good luck.

dashofreality

I have a girl and a strong willed boy that can test my patience and push buttons like a pro. My boy is much harder to parent at this point. I understand how overwhelming it can be, but I have found that I have to stay calm. I think DS likes negative attention almost more than positive.

I went into parenting thinking I would parent one way, but I am finding it doesn't work. I thought I'd be the tough one, but it just isn't working with my kids. They are much better behaved when I do not yell. There are still consequences, but I do more logical consequences or I will calmly put my DS in his crib for 2 minutes. If you son is tantruming for an hour, I would try holding him and giving him comfort. If my kids are tantruming for attention I ignore it, but sometimes they are tantruming because they don't know how to handle their emotions. So I will take them to the rocking chair, try and identify the issue - I see you are angry because your brother took a toy you were playing with. It is ok to be angry but it is not ok to yell at him.

It is touchy feely, but it works. I'm not willing to beat my kid into submission, which is the only way I can see to get out of some of the power struggles, so I avoid them when I can. Check out: https://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/parenting_blog 

gnrkrystle1

I can tell you, I've tried spanking and it absolutely does not work, so don't worry about choosing not to. It feels like two steps forward and one step back, but he has made a little progress. His speech is coming a LITTLE faster, still, though, he's delayed. 

I think you might be right about wanting negative attention, though. It's odd, but he seems to be happy when i yell at him. And my absolute go-to is yelling. It's my nature. It's going to take a lot of retraining of myself to break the habit. 

Barefoot84

dashofreality said:

I have a girl and a strong willed boy that can test my patience and push buttons like a pro. My boy is much harder to parent at this point. I understand how overwhelming it can be, but I have found that I have to stay calm. I think DS likes negative attention almost more than positive.

I went into parenting thinking I would parent one way, but I am finding it doesn't work. I thought I'd be the tough one, but it just isn't working with my kids. They are much better behaved when I do not yell. There are still consequences, but I do more logical consequences or I will calmly put my DS in his crib for 2 minutes. If you son is tantruming for an hour, I would try holding him and giving him comfort. If my kids are tantruming for attention I ignore it, but sometimes they are tantruming because they don't know how to handle their emotions. So I will take them to the rocking chair, try and identify the issue - I see you are angry because your brother took a toy you were playing with. It is ok to be angry but it is not ok to yell at him.

It is touchy feely, but it works. I'm not willing to beat my kid into submission, which is the only way I can see to get out of some of the power struggles, so I avoid them when I can. Check out: https://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/parenting_blog 

I was also going to recommend ahaparenting. Hopefully it'll help.

janinekrause

My nephew was like this for a while. He had major speech delays- didn't say a word till after 2 and was VERY frustrated. He also had sensory issues. So sometimes he just needed to be held super tight when things felt overwhelming.

He did speech & occupational therapy for a few years. as his communication got better, he calmed down and they learned how to best handle the other freak outs.

Take a deep breath. I would try other ways of handling like PP said- and see how he reacts.