please help me w/ my overindulgent helicopter H ;)

groovygrl

I need some good sites, research, etc to show him clearly how giving in all the time and 'helping' kids with every single thing does not = "supportive"as he seems to think it does. By helping, I mean giving answers to questions too quickly, setting limits or consequences & then constantly altering & changing them to make it easy for them to get what they want, etc.  It is making me crazy. thx .  I try to explain some of the psychology to him re giving in & giving the message that enough crying or 'negotiating' will get what they want & that will set us up for bigger problems but he really doesn't seem to get it, want to get it, or maybe just not from me, I don't know, so anything that would be helpful (not a book, he won't read something like that) would be great.

groovygrl

All of the above?
I'll give examples from yesterday-
Kids are learning to read. I try to get them to sound out words. He gives the answer before they get a chance if they don't 'get it' immediately. Does this also if we're looking at a book & I ask them questions about different things/situations, he will jump in & give the answer.
We have been offering a new coloring book to DD for good behavior all weekend (she is very fresh, talks back etc)> at dinner she got up & went to bug her brother. We asked her twice to get back to the table. She then made faces & talked back a little to MH. He told her no book. Yay I was happy he followed through. Then the tears started. He holds her, hugs her, comforts her then tells her ok ok how about if  you finish your dinner & take a bath without fighting, then you can have the book. He is the one who re-negotiates the terms half the time, not them.
DS is playing w/ legos. DS knows how to read the directions & find the pieces> I tend to chime in only if he tells me he's having trouble finding one or having trouble doing something. H points out every single step to him and even locates & poitns out the pieces.
As for hovering, he is definitely a hover-er and is always like "I'm just trying to keep them safe!" like he won't let them further than 5 ft away if outside or out & about. this one I struggle w/ b/c of safety but I feel like he needs to give them a little more space sometimes and let them make their own decisions if there is not an immediate danger.

ppants

To me, it sounds like he's an anxious person and has a hard time going with the flow.  DH can be like this sometimes and tries to interject when it's not really needed.  I have to remind him sometimes that's it's ok and they are just kids being kids ie in your LEGO example. 

ETA: Bad grammar

ppants

Here's an article also

https://psychcentral.com/news/2013/02/13/helicopter-parenting-can-undermine-students-self-image/51550.html

 

 

XCrissCrossX

I was quick to give the answer when I don't really want to be there/ don't want to make the effort to help my siblings when they were younger. It was faster if I did it for them, you know? So maybe just explain that he isn't helping them learn to read and if he wants to help, he needs to shut it. If he doesn't want to help them read-- he should just read to them.

I don't know about the giving in. Maybe watch Super Nanny with him (is that show on anymore?). She talks about consistency a lot. Do you do most of the parenting/ discipline? Maybe discuss how you need him on your team and to back you up rather than trying to teach him child psychology.

SissyKate21

@groovygrl - I don't know if your family is very 'religious/spiritual' but there is a DVD series called Boundaries with Kids taught by a couple of psychologists who include 'spiritual' commentary based on the Christian faith. 

The first segment can actually be seen on YouTube here so you can "try before you buy". 

I've only seen a part of this series but they address a lot of the topics you mentioned in your post. 

pink.lemonade

Are we married to the same guy? My DH pulls ALL this crap as well. Drives.Me.Insane! Maybe because i am home with him all the time that DH isn't aware that our kid is capable of doing things for himself! DS has been making his own breakfast since he was 3.. including using our toaster.. DH STILL thinks he's not fully capable, (DS is now 5).. uh.. i let him use the damn toaster all the time and NOT once has he been burned. I also let DS help clean the house.. including plugging/unplugging the vacuum. Last week DS made a mess with his gold fish and pulled out the vacuum, plugged it in, sucked it all up, unplugged it.. and instead of being proud DH flipped out... GUESS what DH our son is fully capable of understanding what he is doing. GIVE HIM SOME CREDIT! He also helps him too quickly.. I am rather lazy when it comes to helping. I tell him to figure it out for a good 30 mins before I help him. I mean how are they going to learn to figure it out themselves if you don't ever give them the damn chance? As for disciplining.. DH has made several comments how our son listens to me more than him.. well, no Sh*t Sherlock. I stick to my guns. I don't play empty threats. DH is constantly giving him warnings... over warnings.. over warnings.. sometimes I butt in and i'm like ENOUGH with the threats.. just do it already! It's annoying because when DS doesn't listen to DH he calls on to me to help reign our kid in.. it shouldn't be like that! When I point it out to DH he just gets defensive.. hahaha.. ugh.