pregnant - sick with stress and anx, feel trapped

alisonmoose

I'm due to go to new York (an 8 hour flight) with my husband in just under 4 weeks time, at the time if booking I wasn't pregnant, I will be 22 weeks when we fly.

This last week I've been very anxious about going, and not feeling I could cope with the airport and the plane since suffering terribly with morning/all day sickness, it really knocked my confidence and I started having panic attacks again (I'm a long time sufferer of panic and anxiety, but was so much better after starting Citalopram last year).

My husband gave me a week to decide whether we were still going, I've been changing my mind for months and it got him down. After alot of soul searching and advice I told him I would go as long we got a hotel in London so I didn't have to travel far for the airport on the day of flying.

The night I decided to go, I didn't sleep, I had anxiety all night and felt sick, so yesterday morning I told him I want to go but physically and mentally I dont feel I can, he went mad and I spent the morning violently sick, he just kept shouting at me telling me I was in his way while he was trying to get ready for work.
He only calmed down when I told him "OK fine, i'll go!", but this last few days all I have done is have panic attacks and vomit, I'm struggling to eat and sleep. I keep telling him that this stress is not good for the baby, I've wanted a baby for years and I'm so scared the stress is going to make me miscarriage or make the baby ill.

He doesn't think that though, just that I'm a coward and stressing him out!

I just don't know what to do. It was me who made him book NY in the first place because I really wanted to go, and so does he. Its not that I don't want to go, I would still love to, but I'm not coping. The anxiety and sickness just keeps coming and I don't know what to do.

My grandma has told me to speak to the doctor, my husband has said OK but don't say anything to the midwives or doctors at the antenatal because they'll think I can't cope with a baby.

I feel so scared and trapped right now.

kandersn

Honestly you will be fine. I use to suffer anxiety attacks so I understand completely. Don't let the fear overwhelm you. How many times has your fears been validated. Things never turn out the way our anxiety makes them to be. They always Tend to be perfectly fine. Relax and enjoy yourself. 

coffee89

You should talk to a doctor. There is also no reason to hide this from any midwife or OB. They can help you to find ways to cope, and help you after the baby is here. Anxiety during and after pregnancy is very serious. There is none who is going to tell you that you can't handle a baby and if they do then you need to find a new doctor. I for one have terrible anxiety and it's been kicking up lately and I will be talking to my OB about it at my next visit. 

I hope you can enjoy your trip. Have you tried to explain all these feelings to your husband? I'm sure someone here can suggest some internet reading or books to help him to understand what your brain is doing. Depression or anxiety is never someone being a coward or unable to handle what is going on.

aimeepigott

Please please talk to your caregiver!!! As @smhorak stated they can give you ways to cope. It is too easy to get post partum after baby to not take care of your mental health throughout your entire pregnancy! Many soon to be moms who have anxiety/ depression issues before pregnancy can receive treatment throughout with your caregivers supervision. Take care of yourself!

keshupe29

I also say talk to your dr. I had mild anxiety before and it is a terrible feeling. The drs can help you and baby relax!! The stress isn't good for either of you. Maybe have hubby be there with you to hear it from the dr if he won't listen to you. Take care of yourself!!! Chin up!

chloephoebecali

Talk to your doctor. Just normal stuff can be overwhelming to me when I'm pregnant and I'm on Zoloft. They can help you and you will cope fine with baby.

rainydayluck

I agree with PPs. If you are off your meds, find a counselor. Also, yes, you should speak to your doctor. Don't they have it in your medical history that you suffer from anxiety and are off your meds? I suffer from anxiety and depression and am off my meds and my OB checks on how I doing mentally every appointment.

Your husband sounds kind of controlling. Why does he dictate what you can speak to your doctor about?

alisonmoose

Thank you s much for your advice. We had a calmer chat last night, he came home from work poorly which helped cos he didn't have the energy to yell like he did before.
I was crying and told him no matter what he thinks of me, that I'm a "coward" and a"loony", to think of our baby, and how the stress could cause a miscarriage which would break our hearts. He's told me to think of New York as off for now, but he won't cancel until the week before in case I change my mind.

I'm still being sick, mainly because I feel starving all the time (is this normal?), but I am a lot calmer now.

Everything was causing panic attacks, I had one just before he came home from work because we would be eating sandwiches together, its got that bad!

I'm still on Citalopram for anxiety, I was in 30mg before I was pregnant, I'm now on 20mg, we thought it was best I didn't come off because it would be detremental to my health and I need to be a healthy mum for baby.

My husband doesn't want me to tell the doctors how anxious I am in case they get social services involved and think I can't cope, which is what I've been worried about too, the midwife told me not to worry, if I'm struggling they can offer me help and they wouldn't take my baby from me.

Everything with husband is a lot calmer now and more "normal",I don't know whether that's because he's not very well, or he's finally accepting that we need to put the baby healths first, and my stressing and anxiety is going to to hurt him/her.
We have our 20 weeks scan next week so I'm just hoping all this stress hasn't done any harm

Thank you all again x

marathonmommy82

Wow, your husband .....

Bringing up mental health concerns with your doctor will not cause a call to social services and someone ready to take your baby in the delivery room. At my first appointment I told my midwife about my anxiety. My psychiatrist knows I'm pregnant and is okay with me taking 5-10mg of Lexapro.

You DO NOT have to feel the way you are feeling. Everyone stresses and most babies are totally, totally fine. I am a very anxious person -- I've been having panic attacks since junior year of college (10+ years ago) and I have a healthy, happy 3 year old.

Also you said:

I'm still on Citalopram for anxiety, I was in 30mg before I was pregnant, I'm now on 20mg, we thought it was best I didn't come off because it would be detremental to my health and I need to be a healthy mum for baby.

You DO need to be a healthy mom, but that means mentally and physically healthy. Of course there are risks to meds while preg - there are risks to everything while preg - but you and your doctor (NOT YOUR HUSBAND) decide if the benefit to you - the mom - outweigh the risks. For me, and many other mothers and pregnant women - they do.

missmiss307

When you say "we thought it was best" do you mean you and your husband or you and your doctor? Did you decrease your meds at your doctor's recommendation?

The fact that you are facing such terrible anxiety to me indicates that something is wrong, and you need to talk to a doctor about it. If your anxiety was more manageable before you got pregnant and decreased your meds, it could be that your doctor would recommend increasing your meds to the previous amount or an alternate medicine. That's something that's between you and your doctor.

Your doctor and/or midwife is not going to see you as unfit to have a child because you need medical help. That's like saying if you broke your arm you couldn't go to the doctor because then they would think you couldn't handle carrying your baby around. It's to the detriment of you and your child for you to continue having unmanaged anxiety.

RondackHiker

You need to talk to your doctor about a few things. First, your anxiety. That level of fear isn't normal or okay and it's not fair to you at all. Mental health issues don't get your baby taken away. Untreated mental health issues that lead to abuse or neglect get CPS involved. Right now you cannot appropriately care for yourself and you need your doctor's help. Your husband is a bit of an idiot if he thinks CPS is called on every anxious mother and that this method of ignoring it is better than treating it.

Next, talk to your doctor about your nausea and vomitting. It sounds to me like you may have hyperemesis gravidarium. It's a miserable condition (I have it). You're sick constantly and puke and feel ill all the time. There are meds that can help you! Travel with HG is hellish, but possible. HG can lead to complications from poor nutrition, ranging from anemia to poor fetal growth. It is a real thing, it isn't in your head, and it's not normal morning sickness. Check out helpher.org.

As for your husband... Has he always been like this? This unsupportive and this clueless about health and mental health? Some marriage counseling might do you good and I'd have him talk to your OB after you bring up your severe anxiety and morning sickness. At the very least, he needs to get that it is not okay to scream at you while you're puking.

yvanehtnioj

The fact that your husband is so suspicious of the doctor bringing in "social services" is worrisome to me. And the way he claims they will blame YOU for "not being able to cope with a baby" is also troubling.

Doctors and midwives are here to help you. They have seen this before because you are not alone. Anxiety is a common mental disorder and the changes that pregnancy brings are very triggering. Anxiety like this is not something you can alleviate by "relaxing and enjoying yourself" (seriously, bad advice). Please, please talk to your doctor. You don't even need to tell your husband first. The appointments are confidential. As PPs have pointed out, there are safe options for pregnant women.

alisonmoose

Thank you all again. We did put NYC on hold and my husband calmed down a lot and told me how he'd accepted that we won't be going, which made me relax alot too and my anxiety attacks stopped.
However, last night he came home from work saying he was upset and wanted to go to NYC on his own if I couldn't go. The reason we booked it in the first place was to celebrate, our 2nd wedding anniversary and my 30th birthday, all of which I'd be spending alone if he did that! I obviously got upset, and he said of course he'd want me there but he'd rather go on his own than not at all.

After a lot of talking, and upset, he said he would ask the airline if we could change the dates.
Now we have 3 options,
1. I go on this holiday poorly, but have a special assistance wheelchair if I'm still getting sick
2. He goes alone
3. We wait until December, and go for my husbands birthday (for a shorter time) which our 5 month old baby

Non of these options seems ideal to me, but its going to have to be option 1 or option 3, because there's no way I'm spending my 30th birthday alone, I told him if it was the other way round, there's no way I'd even contemplate ,leaving him to go to the other side of the world, especially on our wedding anniversary and such a big birthday but he said he just wants to go for the experience, whether I'm there or not!

So I'm back to the feeling of what the hell do I do?

I'm not sure having a 5 month old on an 8 hour flight and getting out of his routine is a good idea, but then I just don't feel I can manage such a big trip either.

RondackHiker

I wouldn't want to fly 8 hours to go to NYC with severe morning sickness with your H either. I went on two trips with HG during this pregnancy, but my h was understanding and great. He waited patiently while I lost it in the bathroom multiple times a day, sometimes for long periods. He ate at places that weren't his favorite and skipped meals he might have liked because they were a trigger. He went at a slower pace and probably didn't experience as much... But then, he wanted to be with me.

Your h is being a jerk. Did you look straight at him and say "let me get this right. You want to leave your very sick and pregnant wife alone on her birthday so that YOU can have an experience? What about supporting and caring for your sick wife? What about being there for her birthday?"

If he insists, I'd send him and take it as him telling you what his priorities are, and plan a nice birthday with friends.

Have you talked to your OB about the anxiety or your morning sickness yet?

alisonmoose

My midwife and doctor know about my sickness, its in my notes how my midwife is concerned about my anxiety and sickness, so its something g they are very aware about. I've got a new prescription for anti sickness tablets to pick up from my doctors today too.

I told my husband that there's no way I would leave him if it was the other way around, I also pointed out that this was supposed to be our thing, and if he goes and spends all our money so he can experience this on his own, then there would be no money for us to go again when I'm well enough, so I can experience my dream holiday too.
He just says he's sacrificed so much being with me and he was really looking forward to this holiday, I asked him if he would be happy to go in his own and have these experiences without his wife to share it with and he replied, he'd rather have me there but he'd also rather go on his own than not at all.

It makes me feel I should let him go because he's "sacrificed" so much, but then were supposed to be in a marriage, and that's what you do for each either, in sickness and in health. Whatever happens, I don't feel I can enjoy the holiday, whether I'm there poorly or with a new baby.

It makes me feel like our marriage is in trouble if he would rather spend 7 days without me, especially on such important events.

allrightmeow

Wait, forgive me Im a little confused.  I know you said they know about your anxiety and that you have bad MS.  Have you spoken to you doctor RECENTLY about your CURRENT level of anxiety?  I got from your prior responses you hadn't shared this with the doctor because of fear of them thinking you an unfit mother.   Did your doctor lower you dose or did you do that on your own?  

alisonmoose

Sorry for the confusion. I last spoke to my midwife about 3 weeks ago at my last appointment, which is where we talked about my sickness and that's when she wrote on my notes that she was concerned about my level of anxiety and sickness.
The anxiety has got worse since I last spoke to her. I was going to book an appointment to speak to my doctor last week, because my panic attacks had got worse because of this upcoming holiday. That's when my husband said he didn't want me to tell them how anxious I was in case they thought I wouldn't be able to cope. Then he said let's just put NYC on hold and I calmed down and stopped having the panic attacks.
It was solely this up coming trip that was making me have such panic, and make my morning sickness worse because I was so anxious and stressed. So with the holiday off the cards I didn't feel like I needed to speak to my doctor anymore as the thing that was causing me stress wasn't happening any more.

Now I've been given these 3 options regarding the holiday I'm back to stressing out again.

I'm going to the hospital next week as I have an antenatal appointment, last time I spoke to various doctors and midwives and I'm assuming this will be the case again, so I can discuss my current state on anxiety there (next Thursday), then on Friday I have my 20 week scan, and if it shows there are any problems with baby's development then my husband knows there would be no way I'm getting on that plane knowing my baby could be unwell.

My husband doesn't seem to think it will have an effect on the baby, he knows I'm terrified the stress will caused harm to the baby, or a miscarriage, but he thinks I just need to get on with it. Pregnant women get on with their normal lives all the time even with sickness so he doesn't think I should be any different!

RondackHiker

Pregnant women go on with their lives all the time. Pregnant women with morning sickness do too. Pregnant women with severe MS (HG) do not. Look up the help her forums.

And your husband has "sacrificed" to be with you? What about what you've sacrificed to give him a child? Does he think you enjoy being sick? Does he think this is fun for you?

I'm sorry. The more I hear the more I think your husband is an ass.

alisonmoose

Just spoke to him briefly on the phone, he rang me on his way home from work, I told him I was upset because he'd rather go away on his own than be with me while I'm pregnant sick, he said "it sounds like you're being a drama queen!". I hung up.

allrightmeow

Please no apology needed.  Your husband going back and forth is upsetting me.  I can understand the disappointment about the prospect of not going on a trip you both were clearly excited for.  But, instead of supporting you and encouraging you to get all the help you need, he seems to be doing the opposite and then piling on more stress for good measure.  He's not looking at the big picture which is his wife needs his support!  Can't he see he's only making the situation 100 times worse?  I say you do what you feel you need reflect and do what YOU FEEL you need to do is best for your well being and the baby's well being.  

If he is going to be an ass and go without you don't let him manipulate you into going.  From the sound of things, Im guessing he'd only make you feel crappy for "ruining" the trip if you forced yourself to go and had a bad time.  

Who knows, had he been more supportive from the start maybe you would be in a better place today about the trip.  

Im sorry you are dealing with this.  

mcgeeva

Too many issues here to address. First you need to take care of yourself and make an apt in advance of you apt to discuss meds for your extreme anxiety because that is not normal. You need couple counseling and yes stress can affect your baby, or cause placenta abruption etc etc. Stress does put a lot on our bodies and your husband is not understanding at ALL! That is in issue in itself so I can't imagine how he will act when your hormones are out of whack when the baby comes and your crying randomly or just the stress from being a new mom all together learning everything. I do not have anxiety issues and I still had a rough time in the begining once I had ds. But DH was super supportive. He needs to get his ass in check and just get a refund on the trip if he can. You obviously can't handle the thought of this trip at all therefore he needs to get a refund or suck it up that it's lost money and stop discussing it all together and take it as a loss. Either way I highly receommend couple counseling and speaking to your doc about getting yourself in a better place before the baby comes.

alisonmoose

Thank you, we just spoke again, on the phone.

He explained, better than he did yesterday, that he only wanted to go on his own because we won't be able to go for the next 10 years until the child is old enough! I told him that's rubbish, and that if we cancelled it I thought we could go in a year for our 3rd wedding anniversary and baby can be left with his parents while we just go for a long weekend.
He says he won't cancel, but he would change the flight dates, but it only let's you do that up until January next year.

So its still either we go in a couple of weeks time, or we go in December with baby. I know when the baby is born I'll be able to move back up to 30mg on my Citalopram which will help my anxiety once more, and obviously I won't have the sickness to deal with from pregnancy, I still feel like this dream holiday has just turned into a nightmare.

I deffinately think we need to talk things through and smooth things over, because right now i dont feel like an equal in our relationship, and i could really have done without all this stress and anxiety during the time where its of the upmost importance that i rest and keep calm.