Dumped in my third trimester. How do I deal?

Jortiz11

This is my first time posting. I've struggled with my SO for 5 yrs. we met in college and 2 years later he moved to a different country. While he was away we both cheated on eachother. He moved back last spring to work things out and things were great til I got pregnant and had an abortion without telling him. I told him a month later abt what I had done but we stayed together. I got pregnant again in July and he's been pressuring me into adoption. I finally told him I would not do that and he broke up with me. He said this situation finally made him realize I'm not good enough for him and he will be there for our baby girl but he wants nothing to do with me.

I feel like I just want to die. Hes right. I never finished school. He has a degree and a good job. I bartended until i found out i was pregnant and Now i dont even have a job. I'm so sad and I feel so alone. I really just want to die.

cMichelle0423

First of all don't say that you're not good enough. Just because you don't have a fancy degree or a secure career doesn't make you any less "good enough" for someone.

I was in a similar situation during my first PG where my H (though he was just my boyfriend at the time) had broken up with me. I was only 4 months PG. I moved all the way to Texas from Colorado to be with him. Long story short, you need to focus on getting on your feet for you and your baby. You no longer have just yourself to worry about. Now it's you and your child. Yes it's going to be hard but you have another life depending on YOU to overcome your obstacles and make a life for the two of you. You can either sit there and feel sorry for yourself, or put on your big girl pants and get shit done.

Avion22

I want to say this in the nicest way possible -- this relationship is NOT worth trying to save.   It sounds like both of you have a lot of issues with each other, and it's best to just let things end.  It's great that he wants to be there for your daughter, but I agree that it's best if you have as little as possible to do with each other.

I agree with PP that you need to focus on yourself and your baby.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with not going to college or with being a bartender.  You will still be a great mom.  Just focus on that and on moving forward.

PrimRoseMama

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. However, if you are serious about wanting to die then I would contact your doctor right away. Depression during pregnancy & after birth is not something to mess around with.

Your ex sounds like a fucking jerk. All that stuff doesn't make you "worthy" of another person. It's just stuff. You are enough.

If you want to go to school later for you then you can. It's never too late. Right now though, we may want to focus on the basics:

-- Insurance & healthcare : How are you getting prenatal care? You need to figure out a public assistance route because you need medical attention & so will baby.

-- Food, nutrition, housing & bills : how are you accomplishing these?

It might seem awful now, but the sun does keep rising. Good luck.

Jortiz11

I have government issued health insurance. When I was working I saved a lot of money so I have been able to take a few months off without worrying about it.

I wouldn't hurt myself bc I know her life depends on me. But I do feel myself slipping into depression. Maybe it's just the hormones but I really do love him. It's killing me that he left me. I feel so alone during a time where I'm supposed to be celebrating. I can't stop crying.

Does anyone know about the legal side of this? He's Canadian and he has already told me he's planning on taking her to meet his family. And he's trying to force me to give her his last name. Is this a bad idea?

Gamera3000

He sounds like a real dick. I'd go see a legal aid lawyer now so you know how to proceed with contact with him and you know what to expect after your baby is born.

I wanted to point out that when a guy says he's not going to be there for you but he will for the kid (which he wanted to give away) it's a passive aggressive way of saying he's capable of respecting people but he's not gonna respect you. You can encourage him to be a good dad but I wouldn't expect it.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way.

FemShep

You should speak to a lawyer as soon as possible.  I don't know the laws where you live, but your ex cannot take her to another country without your permission.

You should get a custody agreement in place which outlines the child support your ex will be responsible for, what his visitation rights will be, and whether or not he will have permission to take her to Canada.  

It varies from state to state, but you do not have to give your daughter his last name if you don't want to.  Generally, if you're unmarried, the state makes no assumptions about paternity, but again, it varies from state to state.  In any case, do NOT formally name your ex as her father until you understand what rights that gives him.  Make sure he's signed whatever agreement is needed.  He should also be contributing to your prenatal care.

And as PPs have said, please see your doctor about your feelings.  I know this feels terrible, but things will get better.  Best of luck to you and your daughter.

EmeraldCity84

Last name doesn't matter. It doesn't give him any rights if you do choose to use his, and you don't lose any rights if you use yours.  All that matters is the paternity test, which they will do at the hospital at the time of birth. Not sure how this varies by state, but where I live we have the Single Mother Never Married clause in which if you were never married to the father, the mother has sole custody rights automatically and the father has to file for custody/visitation in court.

EmeraldCity84

PS wish I didn't know this stuff, but I was basically in the same situation as you.

jessib10

Gamera3000 said:

He sounds like a real dick.

This!!!

shaunessa

I wouldn't let him take her to Canada without you.  Sounds like he's up to no good.  P.S. Don't value yourself regarding your accomplishments or lack there of until this point.  There are plenty of women who would love to have a baby and get pregnant but can't.  The fact that were you able to do this twice is an accomplishment on its own.  Consider yourself blessed, with or without a man.  Your baby is your future now, not him.

cMichelle0423

Jortiz11 said:

I have government issued health insurance. When I was working I saved a lot of money so I have been able to take a few months off without worrying about it.

I wouldn't hurt m.yself bc I know her life depends on me. But I do feel myself slipping into depression. Maybe it's just the hormones but I really do love him. It's killing me that he left me. I feel so alone during a time where I'm supposed to be celebrating. I can't stop crying.

Does anyone know about the legal side of this? He's Canadian and he has already told me he's planning on taking her to meet his family. And he's trying to force me to give her his last name. Is this a bad idea?

From my own experience I know you can't do anything legal wise until the baby is born. You do not have to give the baby your last name but if he takes you to court about it, they'll most likely hyphenate both last names. And as long as the baby is born in the US, there's NO way he can just come pick her up and take her to Canada. If he wants his parental rights, he would have to come to you to see her. Meaning he could get X amount of time to see her but he wouldn't be able to just take her from you and leave. So you as the mother will get primary custody until you go to court and figure out what about of parenting time your ex will get (which even if he gets every weekend, he would have to stay in your area to get that parenting time). The details vary per state but for the most part they'll be similar when it comes down to the basics. Contact a lawyer soon then wait til baby is born to go through with legal action. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Tess024

You are NOT worthless!!! Please don't ever think that. You are going to be someone's mother, and they are going to love you more than any anyone else on this planet. Definitely worth being here!

Definitely talk to a lawyer as soon as you can about the legal stuff. Make sure that this is all sorted out before the baby comes. This is the very, very last thing you want to be worrying about once this baby comes.

Chichigo

In some states, breastfeeding affects the amount of visitation time a father gets. I think US passport rules state both parents need to sign for kids under 14, or a court order

kstar83

I am no lawyer, and I do know laws vary state to state.

From my experience, he cannot take your child out of the country without your consent. In our case we had to have a notarized letter. This was to go to Mexico on vacation and before we needed a passport to do so. I would absolutely look into your options before baby gets here and come to an understanding with him on paper about his responsibilities towards your prenatal care at least. 

Get everything on paper, signed.

And please go see your doctor in regards to your feelings. Take some time to relax and try to do something that can help put a smile on your face. Your emotional health is just as important to your daughter as your physical health.

Jortiz11

Thanks for all the great advice! It's definitely strange that the whole time all he wanted to do was either get an abortion or give her up for adoption and now all of a sudden he's claiming he's going to be there fo her, take her to canada to meet his family and he wants her to have his last name...it's really kinda scary to me.

I doubt I will ask for child support. He already seems to think he's better than me and his family is telling him I'm trying to trap him. I promised myself I will never ask him for anything. If he wants to buy her stuff then I'll more than happy take it but I would rather not ask him.

I live in Tennessee and I will definitely educate myself on all my rights before she is born.

rainydayluck

Jortiz11 said:

Thanks for all the great advice! It's definitely strange that the whole time all he wanted to do was either get an abortion or give her up for adoption and now all of a sudden he's claiming he's going to be there fo her, take her to canada to meet his family and he wants her to have his last name...it's really kinda scary to me. I doubt I will ask for child support. He already seems to think he's better than me and his family is telling him I'm trying to trap him. I promised myself I will never ask him for anything. If he wants to buy her stuff then I'll more than happy take it but I would rather not ask him. I live in Tennessee and I will definitely educate myself on all my rights before she is born.

Document, document, document. Save any texts from him, emails, etc. If he tries to go all psycho on you and push for custody, it will be important to have. Also start getting counseling for yourself ASAP because you don't want him to use the fact that you have (trying to put this delicately) unchecked mental health issues against you. Meaning, that if you have it documented somewhere that you are having these feelings, but not getting help, sometimes it can be used against you to say you are unfit to care for the baby. 

Also, be vigilant for any PPD after baby is born since unplanned pregnancies tend to have higher rates. Good luck to you!

iverske9

You will bounce back and honestly you are a mother now. YOUR first concern is not your boyfriend it is your baby. You will be ok, you need to start taking care of yourself so you can be a good mother. You need to get it together as it is no longer about you and you alone. I would look into state help and possible daycare so you can go back to school. 

Do not put all your hopes into one person. I love my husband but he could die or god forbid leave me and before I had kids I have always made sure I can hold my own with or without him. You should never be with a man who is going to tell you are not good enough for him. It will be hard but you can do this. 

workitmom84

Ugh. What a jerk. Do NOT let him take your child to another country. Heaven forbid he gets some cockeyed idea about keeping her there and not bringing her back. Plus, when the baby is very young, he/she needs to be with you. Especially if you breastfeed, like other posters have mentioned. His family can come here if they want to meet the baby. I honestly wouldn't let him have any alone time with her until you get some legal advice and a custody order in place, especially given how nasty he is being to you. 

Also, don't be too proud to come to an agreement on child support. It's not a greed thing, or a matter of one person being better than another, but all of the financial responsibility should not fall on you. Him buying a crib or some diapers is completely different than feeding/bathing/holding a household for you and your baby. 

Good luck, this situation sucks but it will turn around. Right now is the worst of it. A breakup and dealing with a jerk is tough, even without a sweet baby involved. 

KathrynFN87

Sweety, Don't let a guy ruin your joyful time with your pregnancy. Depression is not a good thing while Pregnant or not pregnant. Just because your SO didn't see you as the priceless jewel you are, doesn't make you any less of a person.
Now, about your legal issues...
If you are NOT married to this SO, then you do NOT have to do ANYTHING for him, let alone even give him visiting rights. This is the law of the USA not just one state. Also, if you have family or friends nearby, ask them to help you out until you can get settled for yourself. It was his own fault for leaving, and honestly, he has NO right to the child in question. No matter what, the USA government in ALL states will take your side as you are the mother and the one who will care for the child primarily.
Now, if you got married to your SO then here is what you will most likely need to do (as some of the others here have stated):
1) research your rights as the mother/guardian of the child in question.
2) get advice and help from a STATE lawyer if you can't afford one. Doing this you may have to visit your friendly courthouse and discuss this with a legal rep and see what your options are.
3) express your wishes clearly by writing them down or typing them up - that way when it comes to court issues, your not in a tizzy about what you wish to be done.
4) Depending on the child in question, the court will decide if the child will be safe with your SO in another country WITHOUT you or if it would be much more prudent to have you go with the child if the court allows the SO to take the child out of the country.
5) Child Support. TAKE THE JERK FOR EVERYTHING HE"S GOT! If your married, legally you have rights to nearly (if not completely) HALF of everything he owns. Including income. So yes... it may be hard, but child support will help you take care of the child and yourself.
6) Visitation Rights. This will be decided by the court - no matter what your true wishes are, unless you can prove there is a danger to the child by the SO - then the court will most likely grant visitation to the SO.
7) For the sake of the child, the court will then decide what is best for EVERYONE. It will be a hard choice and it wont be easy to take at times... but this is an innocent life in question and it will need to be decided as soon as possible.

Now, after all that...
Here's what I also will encourage you to do. Seek help from people you trust, even a therapist can be helpful if you are truly depressed. Talking it out with friends you trust or the therapist is a great way to stay in healthy mindset. Stress is NEVER good on the baby, and it can become dangerous the more stressed you get.
Remember, your life is not worthless, nor is the miracle growing within you. That little girl needs you - loves you even now. That makes all the difference. You don't need a man to tell you how special you are, or how worthy you are, or how pretty you are... Pretty soon you'll have a daughter that will tell you all those things simply by loving you.
Be happy you've been chosen to be that little one's mother, you've been chosen to carry such a wonderful life within you and give life to another! In that is so much joy and wonder - no one can take that away unless you let them.
Don't worry, there is always a silver lining and I know you'll pull through this. Hold your head up, smile each day - no matter how hard it is - and just wait till you feel that first movement of your little wondermuffin (about 4 mo along). It will blow your mind and I know that will help remind you that you've got a miracle growing inside you!

Excitedmum35

OMG please go to your dr and explain the situation and your feelings. My first child was born when I was 18 to my bf at the time who was bipolar and drug addicted. He was also an asshole. The bipolar was yet to be diagnosed and I wasn't aware of the drug use til late pregnancy. We split up 6 wks after the baby was born.
I then went back to school when my daughter was three, completed a teaching degree, got a job, met my husband and we are currently having out second child together. We have bought a house, renovated it, sold it and bought a better house.
Who cares what this guy says? If YOU want a degree, go get one. If you don't want one, stay in your current line of work.
But please, go see your dr and get a referral for a psychologist and some medication for your depression and anxiety.
I am currently on zoloft after dealing with a horrific situation with my daughter that I had when I was 18. Let's just say she is heading in the same direction as her biological father who is now decreased.
Despite all that I live a good and happy life- bad shit has happened to me, but I've done everything in my power to have a good life anyway, and you can too.
Good luck xxoo

dannie2011

If you feel like you want his name on the certificate but not give her his last name it would be easier for her later down the road to prove that she has Canadian citizenship. Canada recognizes your daughter at birth as a Canadian citizen.  From her father it will not give him any advantage over you.

 Canada is part of the Hague Convention and they will honour the Court order you have made in the US. He will always have to take you to court in your jurisdiction. If he did try to pull a fast one the Courts in Canada  would throw out anything other then what was done properly. And that means in the jurisdiction that the child lives in.  So get a court order and get child support (that can also be enforced in Canada.) 

I'm dual citizen Canada and the US, 4 of my kids were born in Canada all changes if ever needed to be done with them has to be back were they were raised. Nothing in the US Courts would be honored if I tried to make changes here. Lucky for me I never had to go back to Canada to fight with my ex. He can't be bothered. 

Jortiz11

Thank you so much that makes me feel a little better about it.

Jortiz11

@Excitedmum35 I only have a year left to get my degree but I would have another 3 years for a masters. Did you find it hard to go to school with a child? Is there a lot of financial aid offered to single moms? I definitely went through a stage where I was making a lot of money bartending and lost sight of long term goals. Now that I'm having this baby girl I feel like I have no choice but to finish school and show her she can do anything too. It just really hurts for him to treat me this way. I really love him despite all the ups and the downs. Your story about finding someone else is inspiring.

@rainydayduck I have not been smart in keeping all the messages that he's left me. I delete them out of my phone so I don't have to see them.

Excitedmum35

@Jortiz11 I am in Australia so when I went thru uni I got a sole parent pension and I was allowed to earn a certain amount.
It was tough but it was ok as I was just used to not having much money.
I am still paying my uni fees off now but that's fine.
I am 100% better off after finishing my degree.
Look into what assistance is available to u in the states.
Don't worry about your ex. Any man that does that shit isn't worth having.
It's not about what happens to you- it's what you do about it that matters.
If you get all hung up about living him etc, that is NOT going to help.
You need to be strong for your baby- but you don't have to do it all by yourself. Go to the dr, get medication if u need it- it's a tough situation.
Get some counselling to get your head clear before baby arrives.
Think about your support system- do u have family? Friends? That can help? If not find a support group- even if u do have friends and family to help, you could join a support group too.
Join a mothers group once baby is born. Don't feel that you're "different" cos you're single. My mothers group with my youngest are all brilliant ppl I wouldn't have met otherwise.
It's your choice whether you choose to take steps to improve your situation or not.
Good luck xxoo

FemShep

Jortiz11 said:

I doubt I will ask for child support. He already seems to think he's better than me and his family is telling him I'm trying to trap him. I promised myself I will never ask him for anything. If he wants to buy her stuff then I'll more than happy take it but I would rather not ask him. I live in Tennessee and I will definitely educate myself on all my rights before she is born.

Please reconsider this, for your baby's sake.  He was just as much a part of making the baby, and needs to bear responsibility for it.  What if your LO has medical issues and needs treatment that is very expensive?  What about things like college tuition?  Babies (and kids!) can be expensive, and you shouldn't have to bear the burden by yourself.  Being too proud to get the support that your LO is legally entitled to hurts the child more than anyone else.

Don't just read up on your rights.  GET A LAWYER.  You and your LO need to be protected.  You need to get a custody and support agreement in place.  And if he's as much of a jerk as he sounds, and he wants to take LO out of the country, and his family is accusing you of trying to trap him, I'm fairly certain he's getting a lawyer so that he knows about his rights.

RondackHiker

I just wanted to remind you that child support is not for you. It's not YOU taking HIS money or trapping him. It's him providing for the child he helped make. If he wants to bitch about providing for that child and blame you and say you're trapping him, let him. It makes him sound like a selfish ass to bitch about providing for his child.

Stop worrying about how you look to his friends and family and about if you seem greedy or bad or if he's putting you down. What matters is providing for your baby, and he needs to do the same. Let his stupid comments roll of your back.

jgreig83

Never say you are not good enough. It sounds like you probably were not meant to be from the start. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now, but please know that you are better off without him. There is someone out there that will love you for you and your daughter as well. I hope in time you can see how amazing you are!