Postpartum Depression

I'm ready to commit suicide

I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 month old girl. My pregnancy was very tough with SPD (symphysis pubic dysfunction) and birth was traumatic too. Nothing has been the same since my daughter was born. I have extreme anxiety and depression, I rarely leave the house. In fact I could go weeks without leaving the house, I only leave to pick up my ds from PRE-K. I feel nothing towards my son anymore, it's a total disconnect. The things I do feel towards him are just bad, like constant annoyance and I just wish. He would shut up and go away. The baby is difficult. She's never been a "good" baby or easy in any way. I'm a stay at home mom and I have no help, EVER. My husband works and I've talked to him about all these feelings and I guess he doesn't think it's as big of a deal as it is to me, he doesn't take me seriously. I am miserable. I don't want tot live. I not like my children or my life. I'm a horrible mother and they would be better off without me.

Re: I'm ready to commit suicide

  • I just happened upon this board, but wanted to help encourage you.  You are valuable and your children are better off WITH you and WITH a mother!!!  Get a sitter and talk to a professional about this.  You need help and you deserve to feel better.  You are worth it!!  
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  • I was just lurking around to different forums and I happened to see your post.  I have a 9 month old daughter myself and although I have never had postpartum depression, my heart went out to you.  For your sake and for the sake of your little ones...please seek help from those who can give you some relief and peace.  You deserve that as well as your children.  There is no shame in recieving medical treatment for a bleeding wound and you need to stop this different type of bleeding with professional help.  Call your doctor and tell them of your feelings.  If you do not feel comfortable in that, please call the postpartum hotline at:    1-800-PPD-MOMS.  Please help yourself and your children. It can get better. 
  • Please call the number above! Readdress your issues with your husband and make sure he knows how serious  the problem is. I know you are feeling like ending things but that would not be the best for your kids! They will benefit from having their mom in their lives. Prayers that you can get the help you need to actually feel the value you have not just as a mom but as a wife and woman.
  • My father committed suicide when I was 2. I hate him for it. He left me, just like he never cared. It was selfish. I'm 32 now and still not over it. Get some real help and stay on this earth. You have a true powerful purpose. Believe me! Many thoughts and prayers to you.

    We have our "Irish Twins"

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  • Please call the number listed above and maybe even 1-800-273-TALK.  This isn't you talking...this is the PPD/PPA.  With a doctors help (preferably a  psychiatrist) you won't feel like this anymore...I promise!  I know everything seems like it is the end of the world right now and you will never be better, but you will, with help.  Meds a therapist and a doctor will save your life! 
    Think of your husband and your LOs...they love you!  They don't want mommy to go away!  What you are dealing with is a disease hon...please, please reach out!  It is scary, but well worth it.  

    Please keep up posted!!!!
    PPD/PPA Mom...it has been super hard, but I'm making it! Slow steps...
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  • Please, please talk to someone. Call one of the numbers listed above, talk to your husband, talk to a friend, talk to ANYONE. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are worth it. You deserve to feel better. And you WILL feel better when you get help. Please keep us posted!
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  • Ardmhs83 said:

    Please call the number listed above and maybe even 1-800-273-TALK.  This isn't you talking...this is the PPD/PPA.  With a doctors help (preferably a  psychiatrist) you won't feel like this anymore...I promise!  I know everything seems like it is the end of the world right now and you will never be better, but you will, with help.  Meds a therapist and a doctor will save your life! 

    Think of your husband and your LOs...they love you!  They don't want mommy to go away!  What you are dealing with is a disease hon...please, please reach out!  It is scary, but well worth it.  

    Please keep up posted!!!!
    All of this and I second the part that it will get better with meds, therapist, and doctor. I had severe PDD/PPA and I felt the exact same way about my child being better off without me. Now he is 2 and I cant imagine my not being there. Its hard and a very dark place to be in so please at the very least get some help. It WILL get better.


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  • You are not a failure! I am 11 weeks pp, and sometimes feel like my old life is over, but to an extend that's true. I started a new life- a life filled with happiness. My son means the world to
    Me, even when I am exhausted. I, too, rarely leave my house. You need to seek professional help, for the sake of your kids. They will NOT be better without- NO child is better without their parent, especially their mother. I happen to come from a pretty messed up family myself. My mom has schizophrenia and I never met my dad. Still, I'd rather have my mother in life life than not in my life. Please seek professional help. You will be in my prayers...
  • imoverit said:

    Ardmhs83 said:

    Please call the number listed above and maybe even 1-800-273-TALK.  This isn't you talking...this is the PPD/PPA.  With a doctors help (preferably a  psychiatrist) you won't feel like this anymore...I promise!  I know everything seems like it is the end of the world right now and you will never be better, but you will, with help.  Meds a therapist and a doctor will save your life! 

    Think of your husband and your LOs...they love you!  They don't want mommy to go away!  What you are dealing with is a disease hon...please, please reach out!  It is scary, but well worth it.  

    Please keep up posted!!!!
    All of this and I second the part that it will get better with meds, therapist, and doctor. I had severe PDD/PPA and I felt the exact same way about my child being better off without me. Now he is 2 and I cant imagine my not being there. Its hard and a very dark place to be in so please at the very least get some help. It WILL get better.

    This too. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • At seven months PP I am just starting to feel better after getting help. It can get better! Several months ago no one could convince me that things would improve, I just couldn't access any hopeful feelings. But with medication and counseling things are getting better. If your husband won't believe you reach out to someone else.
  • Call our OB or even 911 if needed. I had similar thoughts when my 3yo was a baby. It is the PPD. Not all husbands get it. I am happy to say Zoloft and therapy has me in a MUCH better place now. YOU are worth it!

    DS born 8/2010 - preliminary stages of SN int'l adoption - fur mama to 2 shelter dogs;  cloth diapering, babywearing, EBFing mama

  • I can totally understand how you're feeling. I have 3 boys (8 yo, 5 yo and 7 weeks) and my depression battle began around 6 months pregnant. I felt like all the walls were coming in on me and my emotions, when I actually felt them, were a mess. I would have a great day followed by many bad ones. You've echoed all of the thoughts and feeling that I've been battling. My neighbor, a dear friend, drove 30 min one day while I was pregnant to talk me off a parking garage. It makes me so sad to know I reached that point. I finally got help at 4 weeks PP. My OB put me on zoloft, which I only took briefly in favor of a more hollistic whole body healing. I've been getting out for exercise, using young living essential oils and taking supplements recommended by my chiropractor to help my body get some balance. I feel like at the very least, the edge has been taken off.
    I urge you to reach out and get help, it is OK! You are worth so much more than you think. My biggest supporter has been my SO's mother! I never wanted to tell her but she's saved me. I know it's hard but you need to find your identity again and put yourself first because it matters so much for you and your family for you to be happy. 
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  • I think it is a really great thing that you are able to put your feelings into words and that you wrote this post.  You are seeking help and others which shows that you know something is wrong.

    Seek professional help immediately, you CAN get better.  It won't be like this forever.

    I am just coming out of the cloud of PPA now with the help of Zoloft and a great therapist.  There is no shame in feeling what you are feeling.  All of us have been there (or close to it).


    ((HUGE HUGS))

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  • I truly hope you have sought out professional help. You deserve to get past this. I struggle with PPA and I am also a therapist. I know how many women are out there struggling. You are not alone. 

  • I sincerely hope you have contacted one of the PPD resources people have posted above. T&P's.
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  • I just decided to take a look at this board and saw your post.  Definitely talk to someone.  I struggled with this for a little while when my now 18 month old was about 4 months.  I had other things contributing to it, going back to work being one of them, but I talked to my husband, and then I talked to the professional at work who was a great deal of help for a few months, then I transitioned to a civilian counselor.  It's hard.  I hope you have found help through one of the resources that's been posted above.  T&Ps.  Your babies are definitely better off with you here.  <3
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  • I'm concerned about this user.  Has anyone seen any other posts from her?
  • I sent her a PM right after Christmas and never heard back... :(
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