Saying "no"

fireflygirl12

I apologize if this has been discussed recently, but I've been MIA and couldn't find anything. DH grew up in a "spanking" family and I did not. We agreed that we wouldn't spank for now at least. Lately DH has been complaining that DS isn't reacting to us saying "no" to things and he doesn't think that saying "no" and removing DS from the situation is effective. My thoughts are that no 13-month olds are really respecting "no" at this point, but I was hoping to get input from others. He hasn't come right out and said that he thinks we should start spanking DS, but I feel like it's on his mind since he keeps bringing it up.

Is your kid listening to you? What do you do when LO does something they aren't supposed to? Right now W literally walks around touches everything that he's not supposed to and says "no no no".

MeatballEsq

Lol that is Connor's favorite word right now. For us, it depends on the tone of our voice when we say it. If we are forceful he usually listens. I think the tone probably startles him a little.

We try to distract him or redirect him when he's doing or touching something he shouldn't. If he keeps going bavk to it, then we tell him no in a stern voice.

MommaP12

You can't discipline kids this age. They can't be reasoned with and are still figuring out communication. Spanking will do nothing and its way too early for it if you go that route.

At this age the most you can do is say no and redirect them over an over to convey the message which still may not get through.

DH and I both came from spanking families and don't really plan to spank. I have shown DS who is 4.5 the wooden spoon and said ill use it on his bottom if he's naughty (we don't say bad) and that is enough for him to straighten out but we started that at about 4 and we only "threaten" it. Others use time out when they get older but he never cared about that so I just say I'll get the spoon and he shapes up fast.

Do not spank at this age. They don't know what's going on.

fireflygirl12

MommaP12 said:

You can't discipline kids this age. They can't be reasoned with and are still figuring out communication. Spanking will do nothing and its way too early for it if you go that route. At this age the most you can do is say no and redirect them over an over to convey the message which still may not get through.

This is exactly what I keep telling DH. I'm pretty sure that all kids this age are trying to understand what we are trying to convey and learning their boundaries. I don't think that DS is purposely being defiant, but just learning our expectations. I have been big on pushing consistency and not just letting him do whatever he wants. I think it's difficult for DH because people in his family do start spanking young, so to him it makes sense.

MommaP12

Tell him "when you know better you do better" and his family didn't know any better when he was little but it's 2013 and we know better and don't discipline curious incommunicable babies.

MRoxy0628

She doesn't listen all the time, but I don't think spanking would change that, especially at this age. I say no and redirect. Its not developmentally appropriate to spank at this age.

AKB090609

At this age all that "no" is supposed to do is stop them long enough for you to get over to them and correct or redirect. They don't understand and are testing boundaries, which they will continue to do for at least the next year before they really start to get it.

hmp1

No is a funny game to Leo. I try to use affirmative words if possible, like gentle touches instead of no hitting. I also try to save the stern No for something dangerous. We started timeouts with DS1 around 20 months because I wanted to get that established before DS2 was born. It took a couple of months for him to understand timeouts. In the beginning I sat in timeout with him. I explained why he was in timeout, then we sat quietly for a minute. After the minute, we talked about better options for him to make better decisions. We use the same spot for all timeouts.

It is too early for our babies to get timeouts but I think it would benefit you to start reading about methods of discipline to find something that works for you and your child.

bosha711

It's all about redirection right now & instead of just saying "no" a million times to every little thing, I make sure I am more descriptive, and like hmp said - I try to use affirmative words.

I'm glad your husband at least agrees to not spank at this time.

These kids are going to continually test boundaries & probably not listen more often than listen. We can't lose our cool at every little thing. They are a true test of patience!

linzeek44

We do a couple things:

1) We limit what things we are going to say "no" to and make off limits. For us, this means we put away and make most things not accessible, and we also are relaxed about what he can and cannot touch. I don't feel like it's positive to have him play in a room with lots of no things so that the whole time is redirecting and saying no, so we decided that the things in the living room (for example) are fine, with the exception of the cords behind the tv or standing on the table. 

2) If he is doing a "no" thing like trying to get the cords behind the tv, I say no and sign it and redirect with "You can do this awesome thing." He doesn't hear no often and doesn't hear that tone of my voice often, which makes it pretty effective. 

3) If it becomes a game ("oh you said no?! I'm going to go at it again.") I will say no one more time and then remove him from that situation since he knows and is testing it. "no cords. we can read this book." then It's "no cords. come read this book." if he goes back for it, I say "all done cords" and we leave the area so that it cannot become a toddler-parent battle. 

I'd say maybe if you feel like he's "touching everything he isn't supposed to" you might want to think about how many things he isn't supposed to be touching and re-evaluate whether the current set up is working. 

I prefer logical consequences (so if he keeps not being gentle with the dog, the dog goes outside and dog playtime is over) so if E is playing with something he isn't supposed to, either it goes away or he goes away. 

fireflygirl12

linzeek44 said:

We do a couple things:

1) We limit what things we are going to say "no" to and make off limits. For us, this means we put away and make most things not accessible, and we also are relaxed about what he can and cannot touch. I don't feel like it's positive to have him play in a room with lots of no things so that the whole time is redirecting and saying no, so we decided that the things in the living room (for example) are fine, with the exception of the cords behind the tv or standing on the table. 

2) If he is doing a "no" thing like trying to get the cords behind the tv, I say no and sign it and redirect with "You can do this awesome thing." He doesn't hear no often and doesn't hear that tone of my voice often, which makes it pretty effective. 

3) If it becomes a game ("oh you said no?! I'm going to go at it again.") I will say no one more time and then remove him from that situation since he knows and is testing it. "no cords. we can read this book." then It's "no cords. come read this book." if he goes back for it, I say "all done cords" and we leave the area so that it cannot become a toddler-parent battle. 

I'd say maybe if you feel like he's "touching everything he isn't supposed to" you might want to think about how many things he isn't supposed to be touching and re-evaluate whether the current set up is working. 

I prefer logical consequences (so if he keeps not being gentle with the dog, the dog goes outside and dog playtime is over) so if E is playing with something he isn't supposed to, either it goes away or he goes away. 

We actually have a similar setup with very few off limit items. The 2 big "no" items are cords and outlets, which we have in most rooms, although the outlets have plugs on them. He will touch one outlet and say "no", then move to the computer cord and say "no", then another outlet, then the blinds cords, etc.

Flamingemu

Lilly does listen to NO. But only the stern, mean mom/dad voice. Seriously, it gives DH chills when I use it. That only comes out when it is a dangerous touch and I am on my way to her while I am saying it to redirect. A regular no gets her to look at me and say no and go right back to what she was doing. 

My kid is a stubborn baby and redirection rarely works. We have to leave the house all together or go to different levels of the house to remove her completely from it. But spanking, no. She would have no idea why I was hurting her and just get more upset. 

linzeek44

Sounds like a game to him- the "no no" game. 

In that case, since he has a baby's understanding of "no" (which isn't very much but it's some sort of understanding), I'd probably do a redirect with very little attention. It might be that the game is motivated by getting any kind of reaction from you or DH. So when he says no, I'd take his hand with little eye contact and bring to a toy or book or something else and give LOTS of attention when he's doing the toy or book- with the goal being that he gets far more attention from you for engaging with toys and far less attention for playing the "no no" game.