September 2012 Moms

Will you/do you spank your kids?

fireflygirl12fireflygirl12 member
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edited November 2013 in September 2012 Moms
I apologize if this has been discussed recently, but I've been MIA and couldn't find anything.


Will you/do you spank your kids?

This is a private poll: no-one will see what you voted for.
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Re: Will you/do you spank your kids?

  • I voted yes, but I want to clarify that I have on occassion spanked my older son. It is an absolute last resort and I have only had to do it a handful of times. I haven't spanked my s12 baby yet and wouldn't even think about introducing that until 2 or older, once I know he is capable of learning right from wrong (in small scale situations) and once I have introduced time-outs and other methods of discipline first.
                           
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    PortermansWifeyL8kissie
  • Special snowflake. I don't plan on it, but I'll never say never. I was spanked only a couple of times when I was a child. Once when I stuck staples in an electric socket after specifically being told not to multiple times in the days before (I was 5), and once when I ran out in front of oncoming traffic for the third time in a week (I was 4). I never did either again. So, while I don't plan on using it as standard discipline, I'm not counting it out in an extreme situation when she's older.
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    [Deleted User]L8kissie
  • I voted yes and agree with Holly.
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  • I voted yes. I am not spanking yet though.
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  • I was just talking about this with DH. When I was little, my mom used to hit us with a wooden spoon or a belt. She regrets it now. She did what her mother did. So, remembering that and knowing how traumatic it was, I will be careful with how I discipline LO. 
    A pat on the butt? Maybe. In fact I have patted LO on occasion when she just keeps going back to something - like the hot glass on our fireplace. It's more like a "move along!" kinda pat, not a spank, per say.
    A pull-down-the-pants smack on bare skin? Never. Nevernever. 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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  • I would as the last resort/extreme cases. Right now I threaten the spoon and it works without having to use it.
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  • Now? Heck no. Someday? Maybe
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    (Formerly MamaBearKendy)
  • plus12012plus12012 member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Photogenic
    edited November 2013
    I voted yes. But it would only be in extreme circumstances. My parents spanked but only in situations where we were doing something that could hurt us. My Mom thought it would help us identify discomfort /pain with doing an action that would cause pain and would keep us from doing it again.

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  • I was just talking about this with DH. When I was little, my mom used to hit us with a wooden spoon or a belt. She regrets it now. She did what her mother did. So, remembering that and knowing how traumatic it was, I will be careful with how I discipline LO. 
    A pat on the butt? Maybe. In fact I have patted LO on occasion when she just keeps going back to something - like the hot glass on our fireplace. It's more like a "move along!" kinda pat, not a spank, per say.
    A pull-down-the-pants smack on bare skin? Never. Nevernever. 


    1) OMG at your new siggy

    2) I'm sorry you have those memories :(

    3) I remember when my dad would say I'd have 3 spankings (bare butt, bent over the bed) and he'd break a paddle on the first spanking so he'd make me sit in his room while he went to the basement and carved another one out with his saw and a piece of plywood, then come back upstairs.

    Nope, I will never create that kind of terror in my child.

    OMG, I'm sorry. I think that's just mean. I can't even imagine how afraid DS would be if I told him to sit in one spot while I went off to find something to use to hit him.

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  • I've never spanked either of my kids, but I've been tempted with DS1.  When I feel like that, I remove myself from the situation so I can calm down a bit.  I was only spanked a handful of times.  I can't say that I'll never do it.
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  • I voted yes but no spanking here yet. I won't use it as the end all be all but if an action warrents it then yes. I wasn't spanked a lot when I was younger but if I was I knew it was for good reason and wouldn't do the action again.

     

     

  • I'm interested by all the parents who say they regret spanking.  Mine spanked on rare, rare occasions (after trying other things and I kept pushing) and they have said a few times that they don't regret that parenting choice at all.  And I don't either--I was a really well-behaved kid, and I I firmly believe that their strict discipline when I was young (of which spanking was only a small, but effective, part) shaped me into a responsible young adult.  

    I'm actually kind of ok with my kid fearing me.  Just a little.  A tad Machiavellian, I guess.
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    [Deleted User]Pokedot[Deleted User]Unem
  • I'm just curious what action warrants a spanking? Hitting? Running?
    To me, it's not a certain action, but direct disobedience or lying.  As in, when a child is told "Do not run" and then deliberately tests that directive by running anyway, repeatedly.  I'm not saying that's an instance I would definitely spank, but that's the circumstance I feel the sternest discipline is warranted.
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  • I'm just curious what action warrants a spanking? Hitting? Running?

    the few times I have spanked Keagan were dangerous situations. example He kept running into the road. We had a talk about it, he did it again, he went in time out, did it again, we had another talk and timeout he did it again. (laughing and smiling each time he did it) he got a warning that if he did it again he would get a spanking. he did it again. he got a swat on the butt. trust me, it was nothing abusive, but I will tell you that was over a year ago and he has never run in the road again.
    I should also add that typically he is VERY good about roads/ parking lots and situations like that, he was just being a complete ass that day.
    I would never spank my child for hitting, that is counter productive to me.
                           
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  • I'm just curious what action warrants a spanking? Hitting? Running?

    LL I'm assuming this was a question for me. I can't really say a specific action. It will be more in the moment but if I were to repeat myself several times and the action was still being done then yes a spank might happen. It wouldn't be like "Oh you hit your sister so now I'll spank you!" It's more of a dangerous situation like running out into the road or sticking fingers in light sockets kind of thing. I won't be spanking anytime soon however. When he actually realizes that this action aren't allowed yet he keeps pushing the boundaries, then I can justify it.

     

     

  • I just feel like there is always a discipline that is more effective than hitting your child.

    everyone does what works for them.
                           
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  • I agree wholeheartedly with @melody921
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  • I just feel like there is always a discipline that is more effective than hitting your child.

    Like what?  I agree that spanking is unnecessary the majority of the time, but, for the sake of argument and productive conversation, what discipline or series of discipline is always more effective?  I guess I'm curious what the "last resort" discipline is for the nevergoingtospankers.  
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  • I never want my child to fear me. ever. respect, yes. fear, no.

    That being said, I was spanked maybe 3-4 times? and I never feared my parents growing up.  I do think there is a difference between bare hand swat on the butt and using any kind of paddle/board/wooden spoon.  Though, I have no plans of doing either.
    Respect is probably a better word.  But I have to admit, I'm not sure that respect and healthy fear (not terror, just a knowledge that you stand to lose by disobeying mom and dad) look very different to a four year old.  At least for me, I remember respect for my parents growing as I grew older and wanting to please them because I respected them, no longer because I was afraid of consequences.  But as a ten year old, not as a three year old.
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  • also, there is a huge difference between a pat on the (fully clothed) butt and a wooden spoon on a bare butt.
                           
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  • Spoof - exactly my thought. This is why I hate discussions like this because the word "spanking" has many different meanings to different people. A swat on the butt, open hand, a spoon, a belt, etc, etc. Is spanking only on the butt? One time? 3 times? 10 times? VERY different, in my opinion. If I answer yes to this am I a cold-hearted, terrorizing child beater? What if, like Bookelly described, DD is reaching for a hot pan or something and the quickest instinctual way to get her away from it is to smack her hand away? Spanking? Abuse? To people who say that it doesn't matter because hitting is hitting, I think that's bullshit. Bullshit that smacking a kid's hand or giving them a tap on the butt is "the same" as systematically hitting them for a predetermined number of times with an object like a belt or a paddle or whatever. 

     
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  • I have a better chance of winning the lottery than never giving a little swat to W's cute little butt. Hey, both are possible. I hope to rule with expectations, disappointment, and fairness.

    Will I have my child laid over my bed, bare-assed, cracking the belt as I walk over to give her a royal beating? Over my dead body.

    At age 16 I couldn't stop laughing at my mom because she was whipping my bare ass over the bed. I was a mischievous kid, but no drugs, straight As, played sports, worked a job. It was just funny at that point - that she couldn't control her anger. She thought she wasn't hurting me enough and she nearly killed herself trying to whip harder. At that point my ass was bleeding, I was still laughing, and she had a mental breakdown.

    It hurt to sit down for awhile, but I accepted the fact that laughing in her face was not respectful, and I told my dad that- and explained I was making a stand. I was a good kid and the whipping wasn't about my behavior. Anyway, aside from 3 face slaps in college, she didn't touch me anymore.

    To me I just don't see the point. I'm not traumatized and I didn't fear them.quite the opposite, actually. I lost respect for them at a very young age because they whipped so freely- like when my brother told them i did something i didn't do. I didn't respect them because they weren't fair. And there was no scale/consistency for their punishments. We never put dishes away, but randomly on a Friday id be grounded for it? Let me get away with something 12 times then ground me for 6 months on the 13th time.

    Oh, and threatening punishments they would never follow through with. Not effective.

    I turned out okay, so maybe they weren't as bad as I remember. Or maybe they got lucky.
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    melody921
  • Hyaline said:
    I'm just curious what action warrants a spanking? Hitting? Running?
    To me, it's not a certain action, but direct disobedience or lying.  As in, when a child is told "Do not run" and then deliberately tests that directive by running anyway, repeatedly.  I'm not saying that's an instance I would definitely spank, but that's the circumstance I feel the sternest discipline is warranted.
    One time when I was a kid and lied to my mom, she pulled my hair -- like to the point where I thought I would have a bald spot. Was that also warranted? In my mind, that falls into the category of things I'll never do to my kids.

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  • I just feel like there is always a discipline that is more effective than hitting your child.

    I agree.

    Though, I don't like calling it 'hitting your child.' I know that's a UO around TB, but it has a more negative connotation than what spanking SHOULD be, if it's used.  Like I said, I have no plans to ever spank. But I do think there's a difference.

    No, I agree. But for me and MOST others, it was hitting or whipping, not a swat or a tap or a spank.
    ^and that breaks my heart.   I was just throwing out the disclaimer, because I have heard people talk about spanking 'the right way' (if that exists.)  Calmly, not out of immediate anger, that kind of thing.

    What you experienced is child abuse, IMO.
    See, and I feel like being calm and deliberate and telling your child (maybe I'll feel differently when they are 7 or something but my 3 year old is who I'm thinking of now) "ok, Tessa. You didn't listen and you ran into traffic. So now, an hour later, I'm going to bend you over and spank you and punish you for what you did. Ok?" IDK, it seems more wrong than spanking in frustration and anger in the 3 seconds following the undesired behavior.
    I don't think that everyone was made to wait a certain amount of time before being spanked. I was spanked a handful of times when I was young (over clothes, by hand). It was always within 5 minutes of doing the "bad behavior" (key in light socket, running to our pond when I didn't know how to swim) The conversation came after the spank...

    Just to echo everyone else, I'm sorry you went through such a traumatic experience in your own childhood, and personally, if I were you, I probably would never lay a hand on my kid either. I get it.
                                                                            
                                                          
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  • also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
                           
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  • melody921 said:
    Hyaline said:
    I'm just curious what action warrants a spanking? Hitting? Running?
    To me, it's not a certain action, but direct disobedience or lying.  As in, when a child is told "Do not run" and then deliberately tests that directive by running anyway, repeatedly.  I'm not saying that's an instance I would definitely spank, but that's the circumstance I feel the sternest discipline is warranted.
    One time when I was a kid and lied to my mom, she pulled my hair -- like to the point where I thought I would have a bald spot. Was that also warranted? In my mind, that falls into the category of things I'll never do to my kids.
    I, um, definitely did not suggest or condone HAIR PULLING as a disciplinary method for children. Or anything aside from a swat on the bottom, fully clothed. And I think it's pretty absurd to suggest that anyone here is saying that ripping hair out is on the table for discipline.
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  • also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?


    absolutely. firstly my husband and I share all discipline duties. Its not a 'you just wait until your father comes home, he's gonna beat your ass'.
    secondly, it is a last resort. I don't swat out of nowhere for no reason. there are plenty of other techniques that I try before that, and there is also fair warning that if the dangerous action is repeated again, they will get a spanking. If my child cowered every single time I came near him, that would be heartbreaking. that isn't the case.
                           
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  • Watching my kid flinch when I come near her after she's been naughty basically tells me all I need to know about who and what she fears.

    Yeah, I make a conscious effort (although God knows it's sometimes hard) to not even yell bc I have seen a look of fear on DS's face when I raise my voice. I would never raise my hand.

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    loislayn[Deleted User]
  • PokedotPokedot member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Photogenic
    edited November 2013

    My "idea" of "spanking" is fully clothed with a bit of swat on the butt. Not a hard crack or a wooden spoon invovled. It would also happen after the action is warranted. I'm not going to wait 45 minutes or have DH do it when he gets home. The action happened then the consequence will follow. We won't be using spanking as a sole means of punishment and it will depend on DS as well.

    Also LL I can see how your perception of spanking vs. mine is completely different. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. IMO as many others have stated that is abuse. I don't plan on putting the fear of God in my children. Just a somewhat gentle reminder that when I say "no" I mean it.

    ETA: There would always be a conversation about why he was spanked right after it happened.

     

     

  • I was just talking about this with DH. When I was little, my mom used to hit us with a wooden spoon or a belt. She regrets it now. She did what her mother did. So, remembering that and knowing how traumatic it was, I will be careful with how I discipline LO. 
    A pat on the butt? Maybe. In fact I have patted LO on occasion when she just keeps going back to something - like the hot glass on our fireplace. It's more like a "move along!" kinda pat, not a spank, per say.
    A pull-down-the-pants smack on bare skin? Never. Nevernever. 


    1) OMG at your new siggy

    2) I'm sorry you have those memories :(

    3) I remember when my dad would say I'd have 3 spankings (bare butt, bent over the bed) and he'd break a paddle on the first spanking so he'd make me sit in his room while he went to the basement and carved another one out with his saw and a piece of plywood, then come back upstairs.

    Nope, I will never create that kind of terror in my child.

    Jeebus eff, Lois. Seriously. That is so scary. I am genuinely sorry that happened to you. I remember the terror of being spanked like that, but not to that extreme. I am so sorry. 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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  • I will say for the last time that a swat once on the butt is not the same as beating a child into submission. many people on this board have met my kids and they are very well behaved great kids, they are definitely not scared of me or DH. I'm all done defending myself now.
                           
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  • Maybe it's a cultural thing but spanking and hitting (using hangers, paddles, belts, switches from a weeping willow, etc) was normal when I was growing up. I was only punished a couple of times (I was the good child)  but my sisters, brother, cousins were always getting into trouble so they received those consequences.

    We never feared our mom/grandmother, we just knew if we did something we weren't suppose to we were in trouble (the reason I rarely did anything wrong).

    I'm not really sure want I'm trying to say to here. I think spanking is normal in my family but I would NEVER lay a hand on my child(ren). Dh doesn't believe in it so we agree on this.
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  • FTR, I don't think ANYONE here is beating their kids into submission. I'm pretty sure everyone here is reasonable with their discipline and love their children dearly. 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]MrsKipper[Deleted User]
  • @loislayn23 I forgot to add, thankya for the OMG regarding my siggy ;) 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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    loislayn
  • edited November 2013



    also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?


    I'd question that, plusalso should fear of spankings(consequence) be the motivator to behave or knowing that said issue isn't an acceptable behavior? I don't break the law, not out of fear for jail, but, because I know it's morally wrong.
    ETA:cleaned up grammatical errors.

    shiggyboploislayn[Deleted User]MRoxy0628
  • I have countless memories of shitty childhood/abuse while I lived with my mom. All started with spanking. I do not think this is the norm. However, because of the memories I have and the shit I dealt with we have collectively decided we will not ever spank our kids.

    I have no judgment on people who decide to.
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  • Hyaline said:
    If hitting isn't an acceptable and humane method of training a dog, why would anyone think it's an acceptable and humane method of training a human being? There are countless ways that you can get through to a child - but beating them into submission shouldn't be one of them. 
    Oh!  I get it!  Child rearing and dog training are the same thing!  Gosh, and all this time I've assumed that potty training involved the potty and not papers on the floor, and that I should be guiding my child through affirmative praise and not dog biscuits. And I didn't even start to crate train her yet! Time to rethink my outlook, for sure!
    Oh, aren't you just so clever. 

    My point is, if it's not good enough for a dog - then how is it good enough for a human being? I'll give you a hint: it's not.

    ***

    My point is, dogs and children are different, and different things are "good enough" for each individually.  I'll give you a hint: If you want to have a conversation about dogs, I believe that there is a pets board on the Nest. 
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  • Cheenomae said:
    I have countless memories of shitty childhood/abuse while I lived with my mom. All started with spanking. I do not think this is the norm. However, because of the memories I have and the shit I dealt with we have collectively decided we will not ever spank our kids.

    I have no judgment on people who decide to.
    I think this is totally fair, and I really respect that you (and others here) are making choices that take your history and personal limits into consideration.  And I'll completely own that a positive (yes, really) association with spanking has made me open to it whereas a negative one would probably make me say "nope, never."  

    I think our childhoods affect our parenting outlooks more than we know until we become parents and have to start grappling with the decisions!
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  • No, I don't spank my 13 month old. Will I ever? I hope not, because I remember being spanked as a kid. It didn't teach me a whole lot, except that hitting and anger are ok.


                                                        [MC 11.20.11] [DS born 9.24.12] [DD born 10.15.14]

    loislayn
  • Hyaline said:
    Cheenomae said:
    I have countless memories of shitty childhood/abuse while I lived with my mom. All started with spanking. I do not think this is the norm. However, because of the memories I have and the shit I dealt with we have collectively decided we will not ever spank our kids.

    I have no judgment on people who decide to.
    I think this is totally fair, and I really respect that you (and others here) are making choices that take your history and personal limits into consideration.  And I'll completely own that a positive (yes, really) association with spanking has made me open to it whereas a negative one would probably make me say "nope, never."  

    I think our childhoods affect our parenting outlooks more than we know until we become parents and have to start grappling with the decisions!
    Thanks, @Hyaline. I agree about not realizing how our childhood experiences affect our parenting outlooks until we become parents. My DH asked me more times than I can count while we dated and early in our marriage why I don't resent my mom more. My answer was always "because she did her best." When I became a mom my resentment set in and I'll never understand some of the things she did. I'll still always say she did her best.
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    loislayn


  • also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?
    I'd question that, plusalso should fear of spankings(consequence) be the motivator to behave or knowing that said issue isn't an acceptable behavior? I don't break the law, not out of fear for jail, but, because I know it's morally wrong.
    ETA:cleaned up grammatical errors.


    most 2 and 3 yr olds I know don't know/ get morals. Now that Keagan is older and able to understand he knows that going into the road is dangerous because we have had discussions that his then 2 or 3 yr old self wouldnt have been able to comprehend.
                           
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  • I'm a SS. I think a lot depends on age and child.

    I will absolutely NEVER (and I rarely say never) hit my kid with an object. I would go postal of someone else did.

    However, I can see how a swift tap on the bottom over clothes can get the point across in dangerous situations.
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  • edited November 2013



    also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?
    I'd question that, plusalso should fear of spankings(consequence) be the motivator to behave or knowing that said issue isn't an acceptable behavior? I don't break the law, not out of fear for jail, but, because I know it's morally wrong.
    ETA:cleaned up grammatical errors.
    most 2 and 3 yr olds I know don't know/ get morals. Now that Keagan is older and able to understand he knows that going into the road is dangerous because we have had discussions that his then 2 or 3 yr old self wouldnt have been able to comprehend.

    Perhaps they don't. That's why they are taught morals as a motivator. Obviously you don't lay out a lecture on such,but "hitting your sisters/friends upsets them" is working pretty well for us. It's been a progression as she matures. We modeled gentle hands in the beginning,explained hitting wasn't ok, building up to that friends do not like that and would not continue to play with her if she continues to hit. Same with car safety, and trust me, my child has diagnosed delays understanding danger/cause and effect/etc. And still yet we've managed to teacher her along with the help of her OT that running around cars is dangerous and will not be allowed, all without spanking.

    shiggyboploislaynlinzeek44


  • also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?
    I'd question that, plusalso should fear of spankings(consequence) be the motivator to behave or knowing that said issue isn't an acceptable behavior? I don't break the law, not out of fear for jail, but, because I know it's morally wrong.
    ETA:cleaned up grammatical errors.
    most 2 and 3 yr olds I know don't know/ get morals. Now that Keagan is older and able to understand he knows that going into the road is dangerous because we have had discussions that his then 2 or 3 yr old self wouldnt have been able to comprehend.
    Perhaps they don't. That's why they are taught morals as a motivator. Obviously you don't lay out a lecture on such,but "hitting your sisters/friends upsets them" is working pretty well for us. It's been a progression as she matures. We modeled gentle hands in the beginning,explained hitting wasn't ok, building up to that friends do not like that and would not continue to play with her if she continues to hit. Same with car safety, and trust me, my child has diagnosed delays understanding danger/cause and effect/etc. And still yet we've managed to teacher her along with the help of her OT that running.around cars is dangerous and will not be allowed, all without spanking.


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  • edited November 2013



    also, my children don't fear ME, they fear the CONSEQUENCES of certain actions. there is a HUGE difference.
    Are you sure about that?
    I'd question that, plusalso should fear of spankings(consequence) be the motivator to behave or knowing that said issue isn't an acceptable behavior? I don't break the law, not out of fear for jail, but, because I know it's morally wrong.
    ETA:cleaned up grammatical errors.
    most 2 and 3 yr olds I know don't know/ get morals. Now that Keagan is older and able to understand he knows that going into the road is dangerous because we have had discussions that his then 2 or 3 yr old self wouldnt have been able to comprehend.
    Perhaps they don't. That's why they are taught morals as a motivator. Obviously you don't lay out a lecture on such,but "hitting your sisters/friends upsets them" is working pretty well for us. It's been a progression as she matures. We modeled gentle hands in the beginning,explained hitting wasn't ok, building up to that friends do not like that and would not continue to play with her if she continues to hit. Same with car safety, and trust me, my child has diagnosed delays understanding danger/cause and effect/etc. And still yet we've managed to teacher healong with the help of her OT that running.around cars is dangerous and will not be allowed, all without
    spanking.

    "Oh,Holly"

    loislayn[Deleted User]
  • Hyaline said:
    My point is, dogs and children are different, and different things are "good enough" for each individually.  I'll give you a hint: If you want to have a conversation about dogs, I believe that there is a pets board on the Nest. 
    lol

    So you agree that spanking a dog isn't effective or humane?

    Actually, I don't know.  I don't have dogs or train dogs.  Hence why I suggested directing a dog-training discussion elsewhere.
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  • Cheenomae said:
    I have countless memories of shitty childhood/abuse while I lived with my mom. All started with spanking. I do not think this is the norm. However, because of the memories I have and the shit I dealt with we have collectively decided we will not ever spank our kids.

    I have no judgment on people who decide to.
    Boom. Logic! :)
                                                                            
                                                          
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  • I highly doubt the tap on the butt that I give my toddler would be considered inhumane if done to a dog.
                           
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  • I'm not holier than anyone and I never claimed to be. But I really don't understand how a disciplinary method that is considered inhumane for animals could possibly be beneficial for human beings. 

    If anyone has a good argument for how it can be humane for humans, but not for animals, please explain it to me. It's one of my biggest hang ups with spanking.

    Enlighten me, please. I beg you.
    I'm probably going to get lambasted for this, but we used to swat my dog on the butt all the time when we were younger, as she was doing the "naughty" action (not even more than 1 minute after).

    So, I guess I was raised thinking a swat on the butt is okay discipline for dogs and kids misbehaving.
                                                                            
                                                          
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  • I highly doubt the tap on the butt that I give my toddler would be considered inhumane if done to a dog.
    I tap my kid's butt all the time. It's an adorable little butt. Tap on the butt isn't a spank. Spanking causes pain, taps on the butt aren't painful. 
    Holly, if you're only "tapping" your toddler on the butt to correct his actions I doubt that is considered spanking.
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  • I am just going to eat my lunch and watch where this goes. 
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    Diagnosis: PCOS, irregular cycles, old lady eggs. DH is fine.
    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
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  • Cheenomae said:





    I highly doubt the tap on the butt that I give my toddler would be considered inhumane if done to a dog.

    I tap my kid's butt all the time. It's an adorable little butt. Tap on the butt isn't a spank. Spanking causes pain, taps on the butt aren't painful. 

    Holly, if you're only "tapping" your toddler on the butt to correct his actions I doubt that is considered spanking.


    Well, yes, I am only tapping him on the butt. I'm not trying to cause him pain, just make him realize his actions are not appropriate and there are consequences. I've never left a mark.
    That is my version of spanking.
                           
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  • I highly doubt the tap on the butt that I give my toddler would be considered inhumane if done to a dog.
    I tap my kid's butt all the time. It's an adorable little butt. Tap on the butt isn't a spank. Spanking causes pain, taps on the butt aren't painful. 
    Holly, if you're only "tapping" your toddler on the butt to correct his actions I doubt that is considered spanking.
    Well, yes, I am only tapping him on the butt. I'm not trying to cause him pain, just make him realize his actions are not appropriate and there are consequences. I've never left a mark. That is my version of spanking.
    Got ya!! :)
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  • kelbel527 said:

    OK - so I wasn't going to join this discussion, but since it keeps on going, I'm adding to it.

    I can't get around the fact that I spend a lot of time teaching my 3 year-old that hitting people isn't okay.  How am I going to teach him that, if I hit/spank/tap him?  He does what he's taught at this age, so I don't understand how I can instill in him that hitting isn't okay, while showing him that I would do it to him?

    And seriously, kids can majorly push your buttons.  I can totally understand how one would want to spank their child, DS1 bit me once during a tantrum.  It seriously hurt so my first instinct was to hurt back, but I didn't.  It didn't go unpunished, but it wasn't punished by hurting him back. 

    This is one of the reasons I'm choosing not to spank my child as a part of how we discipline Kate...I think it's contradictory in terms of teaching a kid how to respect other people's bodies.
                                                                            
                                                          
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  • Patting into submission?

    Tapping into submission? No, that's for MMA and the UFC.

    I have patted my cat into submission. She often rolls onto her back and surrenders to the tummy pats, after the back pats. 
    Me: 27 DH: 28
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    am I the only one completely creeped out by this?
    You most certainly are not. 
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    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
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  • FYI: wikipedia defines it as on the butt, open hand, to cause temporary pain but not injury. 

    I answered NO to the poll. I thankfully don't have terrible childhood memories. I do remember getting spanked a few times--and I mean literally maybe 2 or 3 times--but I don't even remember what the offence was. It definitely didn't scar me or make me afraid of my parents.

    Anyhow, I answered no because it is not my plan to spank. I'm actually doing the discipline research right now, and I'm starting out with Dr. Sears, so that should give an indication of where I'd like to go with that. I suspect I will likely come up with some plan that resembles what @hmp1 does. I like the "time-in" idea, too.

    But as with many parenting things, I don't want to do the never say never game. I don't think a mild smack on the bum that doesn't cause lasting injury, in a very extreme circumstance for which other forms of discipline have been ineffective, will cause lasting psychological damage. Like I said, I'm going to plan not to spank (so I am learning about other forms of discipline to be my go-tos) but I'm not going to rule it out entirely, nor do I think it's right to call that sort of spanking abusive. 

    What some of you have experienced definitely sounds like abuse, and I'm so sorry you've gone through that.
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • I can't get past the "I can't imagine *wanting* to hit my child." comments. I highly doubt any of us enjoy disciplining our kids, but we do it because we love them. It's our job as parents to teach them right from wrong and that actions have consequences. I don't see anyone here saying "oh man, I can't wait to spank my kid! Little shit deserves a good smack."
    I can absolutely imagine wanting to spank James. I have felt like this a few times. I just have to take myself out of that moment and remind myself that sitting here now, calm, without my kids, that we are not going to spank our children and move on to a method we are using.

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
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    Cheenomaekelbel527loislaynBeebopandBuddy
  • I'm not sure what we will do, actually. I have be pretty open about being physically/verbally/emotionally abused by my mother as a child and the fear it has instilled in me with my own children. I think that what works for one family should not be devalued because it isn't you parenting style. I am one that has to wait to discipline, until I have calmed down, because in the moment, I am afraid of myself- so I can believe that children are afraid of their parents as well. I tend to enjoy when we have these thoughtful conversations, because it helps me find alternative solutions to things I would have never thought about. I can say, I will never, ever, hit my child with an object, I will never belittle them, and I will never beat them into submission. I believe that everyone on this board, and the joiners from Parenting, truly love their children and would not do anything to harm them- let's try to remember that.
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  • I realize that "beat" can come across as an inflammatory term, but it actually does mean to strike or hit repeatedly. I relate spankings really closely with abuse because it would be difficult for me to know where my spankings ended and my beatings began.

    Sometimes my parents just "popped" me. Other times it was bare ass with a switch I had to choose myself. Most of the time it was with a belt that they would pop in my face as a warning of the sound I was going to hear later. Sometimes the marks left behind faded in a matter of minutes, other times they left bruises as a reminder of my wrongness. Every time I was told that "it hurt them more than it hurt me" and that they were doing this "out of love for me". 

    I can still remember the majority of my spankings, but I couldn't tell you a single thing I ever did to deserve them. In fact, the only real thing my parent's physical lesson ever taught me was that spanking is humiliating and my kid deserves better.
    Understood, which is why I am personally against spanking. Sometimes my mom would 'snap' and go from one extreme to another. I don't ever want to chance 'snapping' on my children, but I am not going to stop DH from spanking our kids unless I deem it to be overboard. ***I think that there are those of us that can not remove our own memories of mistreatment to look at this conversation from any other angle. ****
    This. Someone spanking their child isn't the same as the vivid memories some of us have of being hit with an object. It's simply not the same thing - regardless of whether you agree with spanking or not. You have to dissect the two as two different things. "beating into submission" isn't the same as spanking, or patting, or whatever you may call it. 
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  • I think a lot of discipline discussion gets lost when we don't talk about it in an age appropriate context.

    Personally, I don't think there is a single situation where I would spank a 1 yr old.

    I like to think I know how I would handle discipline for a teenager, but I've never raised a teenager so I may have to change my plan in the future. Not specific to the spanking debate, but discipline approaches in general.

    However, I can understand how previous experience would lead a person to have very adamant beliefs about discipline too.
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    PokedotCheenomaebosha711[Deleted User]
  • image
    am I the only one completely creeped out by this?
    You most certainly are not. 
    It made me laugh but it creeps me out too. But, UO perhaps, I seriously dislike Tinkerbell.
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

     

     

    Holly_1007
  • jbBeans said:
    image
    am I the only one completely creeped out by this?
    You most certainly are not. 
    It made me laugh but it creeps me out too. But, UO perhaps, I seriously dislike Tinkerbell.
    ME TOO.  My SIL is Disney-obsessed and really loves Tinkerbell--I don't get it.  (Also, my SIL is older than me.  So yeah...)
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  • MrsEll said:
    For those of you who do spank/tap/whatever as discipline: Are you angry or frustrated when you do it? Or is it a calm, collected spanking?

    ETA this is a real question. I am genuinely curious.
    I have not spanked my child yet because he's 1 year old. I'm speaking hypothetically when he gets older.

     

     

  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member
    5000 Comments 250 Answers Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    edited November 2013
    MrsEll said:
    For those of you who do spank/tap/whatever as discipline: Are you angry or frustrated when you do it? Or is it a calm, collected spanking?

    ETA this is a real question. I am genuinely curious.
    The few times I have done it I have been frustrated.  Frustrated with him for doing the behavior multiple times despite my attempts to teach/ redirect, frustrated with myself for not being able to come up with any other way to teach him that the behavior was bad/ dangerous.
    Although, I think its been determined that I don't actually spank my kid, just tap him. I'm not really sure anymore? Everyone has such different definitions. I consider what I am doing spanking, although it is nothing compared to what some of the other moms on here had done to them. I feel awful that they had to go through that.

    ETA wow that came out wrong. I don't spank him because I'm frustrated with myself. Afterwards I am frustrated with myself for spanking him. At the moment I am frustrated with him.
                           
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  • Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

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  • I just so shocked at how many people here were physically abused as children.  How sad.

    I was spanked on a few occasions as a child.  We likely won't do it, but never say never.
    While my experience might be considered "abuse" by today's standards, it wasn't considered as such then. I don't hold it against my mom. She did what was okay at the time. That doesn't mean it was acceptable, per say, but it wasn't frowned upon to give your kid a good wallop with a spoon or belt. It's a bad memory for me, but I know my mom and dad love me and my mom would never ever hit my daughter. She knows better and therefore she does better.
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    Started TTC in January 2010. BFP December 25, 2011 between IF appts. 
    DD born August 31, 2012
    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
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    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
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  • @Hyaline

    It sounds like we were raised in a similar manner, and I have no serious negative recollections of the few spankings that I received as a child.  I had a "healthy fear/respect" for my parents and I can honestly say that I admire the way that my parents raised my 5 siblings and myself. 

    It breaks my heart to read other people's horrible experiences, and I cannot even imagine the pain/anguish that would result from those.  I want to send e-hugs to all of you.

    But earlier you said you were curious about those that did spank their child and later regretted it...I have spanked my DD before when I felt the situation called for it, and her response was to laugh in my face.  This only made me more angry, and I knew that it was not only ineffective, but making the situation worse. And I really felt lousy afterward, that I failed her.  So I've eliminated spankings for our household. 


     

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  • hmp1 said:
    Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

    That's why I made a generalization about the topic. I just thought it was interesting to find that general observation.

     

     

  • MrsEll said:
    I'd be very interested to hear from the calm, collected spankers. I have definitely felt the urge to spank my kid when he is naughty or rude, but I just stop myself from going there. I can't imagine cooling off and THEN deciding to hit him. To me, hitting is an impulsive reaction that I have had to learn how resist. I can't wrap my head around hitting as an actual decision.
    I have a one year old, so I can't really speak from experience on this.  But: In my ideal parenting world, I would never spank because the other disciplinary methods I went through would stop the issue. However, if I ever did decide to spank, it would be because the warning, the time out, the loss of a/some privilege/s, and the final "if you do that again, you're getting a spanking" failed.  Sure, I might be upset at that moment--but I wouldn't be spanking out of anger but because I had created it as the next step in a hierarchy of discipline, if that makes sense.  I'd be no more and no less calm than doling out a time out.

    I'm not in the "spank in a dangerous situation" camp, FWIW. Like darting out into the street--that would get a stern talking to but wouldn't get an auto-spank.  Like I said early on here, spanking if used at all would be for continued deliberate disobedience.
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  • Pokedot said:
    hmp1 said:
    Pokedot said:

    I'm sensing a theme that many of us in the general sense who were spanked but more like abused (I use that in a broad sense) are not going to spank our children. Those that don't necessarily have bad memories of being spanked might use the method if the circumstances see if. Can we agree to disagree?

    For the record, I never want to harm my child in anyway so to tell me that spanking my child is like "beating into submission" I find that correlation extremely off.

    I don't fit into that category. Neither DH or myself have any negative memories of being spanked, but we both were spanked on occasion. We are not spanking our kids and have told our parents they are not to spank our kids for discipline.

    That's why I made a generalization about the topic. I just thought it was interesting to find that general observation.
    Since I have spoken my mind about not spanking my kids in this thread, I felt the need to follow up after reading your post that I was not spanked with abusive force. I wouldn't want people to think that is why we are not spanking because it isn't even a factor. 

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
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  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
                           
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  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    I don't think anyone said you're failing as a parent.  Just that you can't know for sure that he's not fearful of being spanked or of you when you're going to spank him. 
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  • CheenomaeCheenomae member
    250 Answers 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited November 2013
    Ok but you pro spankers have to realize that I never EVER considered what happened to me abuse. It wasn't until well into adulthood and conversations on TB and with friends that I realized what was done to me in the name "the fear of God" and "I do this because I love you" and "You need to learn that your actions have consequences" wasn't normal. You call it abuse, I call it discipline/spanking. So to hear someone say they plan to spank their child, yeah, I do take issue with it because of my experiences.
    ETA: TMI...

    ETA II: Not what LL wrote, but what I wrote.
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  • Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.

    I tell my parents I love them. I give them hugs. Doesn't negate the shitty memories..
    What your parents did and what I do can't even be compared.
                           
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  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.
    Are you fucking kidding me? That is sick.
                           
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  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.

    LOL, this is what I get for stepping away mid-reply. Jinx.

    STUCK IN QUOTE BOXI didn't think it could get worse than the whole "beat into submission" but I think that's crossing the line big time. Not necesary at.all.

     

     

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  • MrsEll said:

    Keagan just walked up to me out of the blue and gave me a hug and told me I'm his best friend and he loves me sooooooo much (his words). Clearly I'm failing as a parent.
    It's called the Stockholm Syndrome.
    Are you effing kidding me with this response? Stockholm Syndrome? Are you legti accusing Holly of that? 
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    Began TTC again in Jan. 2013. 
    Four rounds of Clomid - BFN
    Fifth round of Clomid September/Oct - cancelled
    HSG scheduled for Oct. 30 - Tubes all clear
    December: Round one of Femara  - BFN
    Round two - ? 

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  • Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 
    Your relationship with your husband is completely different than the relationship you have with your child.

    I see what you're getting at, but the fact of the matter is, there are people who chose to spank and were spanked as a child and have healthy associations with it. Not all instances of spanking are physically or mentally harmful. Is it hard to know which instances are emotionally scarring or hurtful? Maybe. But, that's up to each parent to decide for their own child.
                                                                            
                                                          
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                                       Katherine Quinn | 9.16.2012 | 38w4d

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    Ryan Lanman | 9.12.2014 | 40w

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    2 Losses | 10/2010 @ 5w | 9/2013 @ 10w4d
    Little Sprout Blog

  • Serious question: if my husband thinks I am getting out of line or misbehaving and he spanks me to teach me a lesson, is that appropriate? 

    It is in Outlander


    [Deleted User]
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