Adoption

Naming your babies?

I absolutely live the PAP's I chose and have enjoyed bonding with them. We're going to have an open adoption with set para maters to avoid confusion for her and too much hurt for them. I've struggled with her name lately. I don't want to take that from them, but I want to give her an identity these next few months. I 'd like to be involved or aware in the process and call her by the name she'll have her whole life. I know some birth moms name their babies during pregnancy and it hurts when the aparents inevitably change it at finalization. I just don't want to push them or make them uncomfortable because I know this is scary and emotional for them, too. They mentioned before that they won't name her until after she's born, which had been really, really hard for me.

I'd like to know your experience with naming (AMoms and BMoms) and advice on what to do. I think I've been very flexible so far in compromising to what we feel is best for her (of course) and what will make this easiest for them. But not having a name for her has been harder and harder.
Birthmom to A, 1/8/14- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Romans 8:37

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narm4405

Re: Naming your babies?

  • DH and I picked a name for LO when we found out he was a boy but just because I love planning and we never really referred to him by that name, we called him nicknames like Bug, Squatchie (we watched a lot of finding Bigfoot when I was pregnant) and Fetus (yes we are weird like that).

    For our next child we are thinking we will change his name at adoption, which is likely years away, for safety purposes. I picked the name Shane after my grandmother but we won't call him that until he is adopted, if we get to adopt.

    I feel like naming is something that should be left to them but would be really nice if they include you. The men I donated eggs to named their children Hebrew names to honor my Jewish heritage which I thought was very nice but not something I would have expected at all.

    Maybe you can have a nickname that you use like something special just between you and her?
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  • We have a very open adoption.  I'm an adoptive mom.

    The birth parent we matched with and who placed with us asked us well before we matched at one of our first meetings what our thoughts on names were. We told her we had a boy name and a girl name that we loved, but that we'd be open to her input if she didn't like them. It turns out that she liked both the names and we used the boy name we had picked out. We asked her to pick out a middle name -and she chose one that is meaningful to her family-and we just happened to like it as a name.

     Once the baby was born we asked her permission to keep her last name as a second middle name. After all, our son's first name, middle name, and birth last name would be on his original birth certificate- we didn't want to take any of that away from him. Like when he sees his original birth certificate (which we have) and his revised one (which we will have) we don't want him to think we erased any part of his identity.  So rather than replacing his birth last name with ours, we just added it to the end. Does he have a longish name? Yup. Was it important to us to preserve as much of his birth connection as possible? Yes.

    Additionally, his parent called him a nickname that only she called him. We never ever use it with him- it's her name for him, and there are plenty of other nicknames we can use. She used it throughout her entire pregnancy along with his name. I'd talk to the AP's about it...

    Also- something in your post makes me a bit curious-- you said you are planning an open adoption with set parameters "to avoid confusion for her and too much hurt for them."

    I'm not quite sure how an open adoption can cause hurt for the adoptive family---  in my open adoption, there are parts of it that are hard for me-as an adoptive mom, but in the grand scheme of it all? I think I've got the easier part... at least for now- perhaps as my son grows up my role becomes harder.  Make sure that when you are agreeing to parameters, you are not overly compromising your desires and your wants. And while it's awesome that you care about your PAP's, and I'm sure that they feel cared for by you, remember to care for yourself.

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    CarolinaGirl2014kmkaull2Elreidlhop1979
  • I understand you wanting to be sensitive, but I wouldn't have a problem with an e-mom wanting to discuss names.

    Our situation was unique. DD's bmom didn't know she was pg until she gave birth. She gave DD a name, but only to have something on her birth certificate. She asked us what we thought we'd name her, and I wad nervous. We had a very Irish Gaelic name. Fortunately she worked with a group of Irish people, and is half Irish, so she loved our pick, and calls DD by that name.

    We did go into the discussion willing to be flexible. In your situation I'd look at it as a team effort. GL!
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  • We've adopted three times.  
    I think names are a pivotal part of the AP/Emom relationship.  Everyone has an opinion and worries about it.  

    In our recent adoption, birth mom wanted a certain name but was okay w/it being a middle name.  We didn't share names initially because I was uncertain on names.  As it turns out the nickname we chose is actually part of her last name and she was thrilled.

    My point--- it's hard to bring up but share everything you just said. I think it's important for both sides to say if naming "rights" is a deal breaker.  If you have a name that you must use, they need to know it.  Try opening up the discussion.  :)
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    maryoosaCarolinaGirl2014
  • Thanks everyone! I was wavering on bringing it up with them, but now I think I will really make it a conversation the next time I see her. We've sort of skirted around it so far. I'm guessing the agency also suggested nicknames because she actually mentioned that to me in an email. I've never been one for nicknames so while I have nothing against them, it feels silly for me to give her one. Not something I could connect over.

    I don't have any names in mind and really don't even want to take that from them by suggesting any. I guess I'd just like to know what they're thinking and if they decide on one before birth, be able to call her by that- esp. knowing she can hear me. I know I don't have a "right" to this and I'd never ever end things with them just b/c of it. But it give me a huge peace of mind.

    Maryoosa: They recently had a failed match that was going to be extremely open so they now have fears regarding that. They've even admitted that what it came down to is she wanted to co-parent because she didn't know what she wanted and ended up parenting. I think that for this particular family strict parameters will be best for the baby and for them with their fears. In SC all adoptions are legally closed, so I have to trust that they'll keep their word and no matter how great they are there's no guarantee. I feel like setting parameters in paper will make them much more likely to be able to stick to it. I have decided to ask for much more than I think I want now to make sure that I'm able to get what I need to cope. Thank you for your kind words- as silly as it seems it means a lot to have someone look out for me because I don't really get that anymore. (Which I get because everyone has to put the baby first and I am happy that that's being done, but it's still nice).
    Birthmom to A, 1/8/14- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    Romans 8:37

    "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose." -Dr. Seuss

    JaxxM
  • I think you're probably both skirting the issue because you don't know what the other party is thinking. If you don't have a name in mind, I think it's important to let them know that. They might be walking around thinking a particular name is a dealbreaker for you, and that this will be the end of the match. Knowing that you don't have a name in mind, and you just want to attach some sort of identifier to the baby will probably help everyone. You'll have a name to call her, they'll know that you're OK with them choosing a name, and you can all focus on other things.

    It sounds like they're seeing this match is very different from the last, and I'm actually glad to hear you have some expectations in writing so you at least have some guidelines to start with.

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    Disclaimer: I am not an MD. Please don't PM me with pregnancy-related questions. Ask your doctor.
    CarolinaGirl2014
  • I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my birthson. As soon as I found out he was a boy I wanted to start calling him by his name. I talked to the Aparents and asked them if they had a name picked out because I would love to start calling him it when I talked to him and when we talked about him instead of calling him "the baby" all the time. They were not ready at the time. They needed some time before they felt comfortable naming him so I said I understood and I would wait. I was so happy the day she emailed me with the name they chose and I love his name.

    Hope your talk goes well.
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    JaxxMCarolinaGirl2014
  • I haven't posted here for awhile, but our DD was already born when we got the call. Our social worker told us her birth mother wanted to choose the name, which we were nervous about, but when we heard the name, it was really pretty so we are keeping it. We felt like we wanted to honor her BM by keeping the name she had chosen. I would have loved to have discussed the name and chosen it together with her BM.
    CarolinaGirl2014
  • Our BMom gave DD a name that went on her initial birth certificate. But, she wanted us to name her and we discussed our name choices with her. She liked our final choice and gave us her blessing. My BMom gave me name while she carried me and that also went on my initial birth certificate. My parents also named me and now hearing my B-Mom tell me why she chose the name she did and knowing my parents gave the name they did is very special to me. It's kind of fun to know I was given two different names for very special reasons. I hope my daughter feels the same way.

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  • JaxxMJaxxM
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    I really wanted the ap's to pick out the name, the gave me the option. They had a name picked out as soon as they found out it was a girl <3 I called her by that name while she was in my belly.
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    CarolinaGirl2014
  • Don't feel like you are taking something away from them.  Our son's birth mom was very involved in choosing his name (she actually asked us to choose one of her favorite names).  I like to think we named him together.  It is a special part of his story, and I am humbled that she loved him enough to want to give him that gift. 

    You may not realize it, but these PAP are in awe of you.  I bet (hope) they will be very willing to have your input.
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    CarolinaGirl2014cmarie79
  • We didn't keep the bmoms suggestion for either of our babies even though we liked them. We chose names we liked & were blessed not to have to get approval...
  • I had a utero name, Samuel, for my birthson, M. Samuel means "God hears," and it really felt true for me at the time. I and the APs had a good relationship, and discussed names together. They weren't at the hospital at the time the nurses were pressuring me to give them a name for the birth cert, so I just wrote what I thought we'd agreed on - I even wrote my last name bc I wasn't aware I could put theirs!

    They'd actually planned on what I put as the middle name being the first name, but they kept the order I wrote and just call him by his middle name. Some miscommunication, but that happens when emotions are high.

    I understand why they don't want to name the LO before she's born; it's so hard to attach to a child and then not actually be able to parent her. But you can explain your feelings, and I think it would give them something to think about. I wish I had been more clear with M's APs that I really wasn't going to change my mind; I think it would've helped them during the wait. Maybe you could come up with an "inside" name you can both use, with the understanding that it may very well change?
    CarolinaGirl2014kushie77
  • Our son's birth mom wanted to know the name we chose and loved it so it became his name...we are in the process of adopting again and are thinking of some names but realize and know it will depend on the match how naming will go the next time. 
    CarolinaGirl2014
  • We were told in the information we received before we chose to be presented to our emom that she had a name picked out to be used as a first or middle name if the baby was a girl, so that was basically decided before we met our emom. It is a girl and we suggested a name we liked for a first name. We came up with the spelling together and I'm excited to have this story to tell her someday. Her name is not what we had chosen when we discussed names while ttc and before being matched, but I was happy to have emom involved in naming.

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  • I'm not a mom of an adopted baby, or have given one up for adoption...but I am adopted myself! My birth mother named me Alexandra Francizka, but my parents changed my name to Nicole Alexandra. They didn't keep my name as it was, but still honoured my birth mother by keeping my first name as a middle name. Hope that helps! :)
  • I am also an adoptee and my name was completely changed. I LOVE the fact that my parents named me after family members (and my mother's favorite piece of music).

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • We let our Birth Parents name the baby and we legally changed his name afterwards.  Sure, it was a bit more paperwork to change his name, but after all they have given us, it was a drop in the bucket and the least we could do.  I would never not comply with such a request that brings so much closure and comfort to them.  We only changed his first name and kept the middle name they had chosen.  This time around (same BM) we will be open to them naming the baby as well and will just change it after the fact.  Easy peasy :)
  • I was trying to avoid the name changing because I hate the idea of bonding with her over a name that will only change. I don't think it's a bad thing to change it, but that it would be even more painful for me to see her go through life with a name I never got to call her. I finally talked to the AMom and told her how I was feeling, but that she didn't have to share with me if she still wasn't comfortable. She told me that they had actually been stuck on the name Adia (meaning gift from God) and needed a gentle push to finally say it out loud and call her by that name. So our baby girl is now Adia and I'm so thankful that we got to bond over that. Thanks for all your help ladies!
    Birthmom to A, 1/8/14- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    Romans 8:37

    "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose." -Dr. Seuss

    Dr.Loretta
  • I placed my son 3 years ago, and it was never a question in my mind about who would name him. He was their baby. It was helpful to keep that mindset throughout the process, and it kept my from getting too jumbled up and confused about who, what, where, when, and why. We did discuss the name issue, simply because I was curious what his name would be. I was fully prepared to hear them say some funky name that I didn't like (and accept it) but they ended up choosing a very nice name for him, and it fit him perfectly. I can't imagine being invasive to the point of insisting that I had rights to choose his name. That is just strange to me.
  • We talked about it and our BM said for months that she was going to let us pick the name.  Last minute at the hospital she changed her mind so we ended up having our DD's name changed legally with the adoption. We ended up keeping the name we had chosen and our relationship with our BM is good. She is okay with our choice, and I don't think she expected anything different from us because it was a last minute curve ball...
  • When our birthmom chose us and we met for the first time (about six weeks before DD was born) we asked her for help in naming the baby.  My husband and I couldn't agree on the same name.  She was surprised that we asked, I guess she assumed she wouldn't have any part of that, or perhaps she didn't want to be a part of it.  But in the end she enjoyed helping us pick out the first name and once that was done she gave us suggestions on middle names as well.  Our daughter's middle name is actually our birthmom's middle name and I think it's wonderful that they get to share that bond!  In her baby book we wrote the whole story about how her name was chosen :)
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