I feel horrible saying this... but i'm completely overwhelmed and don't even want to deal with my baby. I'm frustrated because he was a surprise and I keep remembering that right now. I wasn't ready to be a mom! I have definitely gone through bouts of happiness with him and every few days for the past week or so.. I just want to break down and run away.
I love the fact that I fought to keep breastfeeding and that it is going well. He can latch, he's gaining, and I'm even able to pump extra to start to store up some milk for when I go back to work or have someone else watch him. I am fortunate. But at times I don't want to feed him, I don't want him on me, and I'm too tired to soothe him. I'm letting dad take over everything tonight and taking some benadryl in hopes of a good nights sleep.
On top of not knowing how my prenatal care payment will work with the birthing center and the hospital since we had to change. and it sucks because the birthing center was out of network and the hospital was in network and they are separate deductible costs! Plus our air conditioner just went out, so it's about 4k to get a new one! on top of the childcare costs. and in a few weeks i'll be back at work and my DH will be working full time and in school full time. So life is just going to get worse i'm sure of it. F it all!
Okay.. Thats for letting me rant. I really hope this is just sleep deprivation and frustration and not ppd. I have more good days than bad, but when they are bad, they are real bad. (I've never not taken care of my kid fyi... it's just well frustrating to at times.)