PPD The Ugly Truth -Long

Rachel Goldstein

I was sitting on the couch about a week ago and the boys were having a nice long nap. I was watching my favorite HGTV show and just relaxing on the couch. I realized about 15 minutes into my relaxation that I was mad. No, not mad, pissed. I even had a scowl on my face. Why? I had no idea. The boys were having a good day, DH and I were just fine, I was getting some breathing room, why was I so angry? Clearly something was wrong.

I mentioned it to DH that evening and he came back with "I didn't want to mention it but, yeah, you've been almost bipolar lately." That was an eye opener. I thought I had been handling taking care of twins with no help like a champ. However, as days went by I realized more and more that I was only feeling two emotions anymore. Anger and apathy.

How could I feel this way after years of TTC? I have two of the biggest blessings I could ever ask for. So why did I just want to run away from them? I hated myself for thinking and feeling like I'd made a mistake. I feel like I'm a terrible mother. I need help.

I called my OB immediately.  I went to see her this morning and she told me there was no shame in my pain. Yes, indeed I was describing PPD and that just a few adjustments would change my life.

We discussed how much I hate EPing. She told me to quit. I think I'm having the hardest time with this decision. I made it 4 months, that's something to call an accomplishment but I still feel like I've given up when I didn't have to. I've been telling myself almost since the beginning "It will get better next week, something's got to give." After dealing with mastitis twice, thrush for the last 4 months - that has now spread out to the skin on my breasts, it itches so badly I want to claw off my nipples every time I pump - I'm totally over BF/EP.

Then there's my wrists. My PT told me I'd have the wrist pain until I quit BF(EP). Great, just one more reason to hate EPing. I'm in a constant state of pain, whether my wrists are "locked" into a position that sends shooting pains up to my elbows until I can fix the misplaced tendon, to itching, burning nipples of fire.

Compound all of that with the fact that I don't have any family close, and all my friends work and/or have small children and can't help. DH is my only hope and he just really doesn't understand. He spends 1hr with them alone and he's calling me telling me to come home. You'd think he'd figure it out.

So here I sit, broken and beaten but willing to admit that I've reached the end of my "I'm okay" facade. My brother is hopefully going to come live with us for awhile just so I won't be alone and i can get some breathing room if I need it. I'm dumping my pump ASAP. I'll treat the thrush once and for all. I'll be taking AD for the next month and we'll see how it helps.

I just wanted to put this out there, not to whine or get attention/sympathy but to maybe convince even just one person who is having doubts or worries that it's okay to talk to someone. It's not normal to feel unhappy all the time and there are lots of different ways to get help. Even just talking to my OB for a little while today while the nurses took my boys out in the hallway was a tremendous relief.

This, too, shall pass.

Rachel Goldstein

Jessiebug81 said:

Big HUGS mama. I'm 6m in and I still have days like this. I'm actually going to bring it up with my OB when I meet with her in 2w. It's MUCH better than it was but I still have the shortest fuse.

I'm so proud of you for taking steps forward. Being a mom is hard, and being a MoMs is crazy. If you ever want to talk, I'm here!!

Thanks Jbug. Everyone kept telling me that they would get easier as they got older but I think as my PPD got more and more severe they just kept getting harder and harder to the point where I would have let anyone babysit them just to get away. I'm hoping as time goes by and I get somethings fixed/figured out it will get better.

mikeANDjen448

First and foremost, I'm sorry you are having a rough time.  PPD/PPA is no fun at all.  I am suffering from it as well.  I think what you said about how could this be when we have been trying for so long really hits home.  I never would have thought that I would feel this way, but you're right about reaching out.  At my 4 week PP check up I couldn't really hide it though because I was crying the entire time.  And I couldn't stop.  Just silent tears streaming down my face.  A lot of it had to do with BFing as well.  I was having so much trouble with overproduction/overactive let down that I was pumping instead and that is EXHAUSTING!!  I can't imagine what you are going through pumping for twins and with thrush on top of that  My OB put me on Zoloft and I was scared to take it for about 3 weeks until I had my millionth break down and decided that it just wasn't normal and that I would just "try" it and see.  Well, best decision ever!  I still struggle but my swings are not as bad and my anxiety has really let up.  You WILL make it.  A sane mommy is a better mommy.  That's what I keep telling myself.  And I can see the differences in many areas.  Hang in there!  You're not alone.  And you are right, THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!   (((hugs)))

ProfessorPedals825

Lots of love and hugs coming your way, Sweetie.  You are going through a lot right now, and nobody can understand completely what you're going through.  Yes, it's definitely a good idea to talk to somebody and get this out there.  I wish I could help more.  Just hang in there and know that you're heading in the right direction by taking the steps necessary to correct this.  ((Hugs))

krwact

My friend, I'm so glad you posted this.  As you well know, I'm in the early stages of actually dealing with PPD, having tried to deny it or hide it for way too long.  I thought about starting a post here but let shame stand in my way.  I dealt with IF, loss, and a preemie.  How dare I be anything other than eternally grateful every waking moment?  Admitting to my OB (actually, admitting to YOU first) that I just wasn't coping the way I thought I should be was hardest and I still struggle with feeling that I'm suffering with this only because I'm inadequate in some major ways that will make me a perpetual disappointment as a mother.  I've only admitted to 2-3 people IRL that I'm dealing with this and I'm tired of feeling embarrassed.  

Just like with IF and loss, PPD can only get better by sharing it without shame, so thank you for doing that.  You are braver than I.  I don't think you can imagine how important your friendship is to me.  If it weren't for you, I honestly don't know how I'd have made it far enough to get help.  Malcolm is very fortunate that his mommy has such a good friend.

delino

I'm so glad you spoke to your doctor. There were many times that I questioned if I was ok. In the end I think I just have those days occasionally when she's fussy or I'm overtired. :::hugs:::

raashton

I could have written your post myself and I applaud you being so honest and ready for help.  BIG ((HUGS))

I wonder sometimes if all our histories of loss and infertility might also sometimes set us up for more PPD and PPA. Of course, all mothers are grateful but sometimes I think we believe we have to be more over the moon, more into the 'ideal' mothering situation and feel that much more guilty on days when it isn't ideal, when the baby won't stop crying, and it crosses your mind that maybe it was a mistake.

I hope that you'll see those positive changes to and again, I know that we don't know each other, but I am still so proud of you for reaching out!

martinimomma

((Hugs))  Acknowledging the issue and seeking assistance takes a lot of strength.  Kudos to you for sharing your story to help validate what many others might be feeling but are afraid to talk about.

ChloBub

Thanks for being so brave to post this. I am glad you shared and glad you're taking steps to get better. (((hugs)))

adoxyinherear

*hugs* You are doing an AWESOME job taking care of your family and yourself by getting help and doing what you need to do to get better. Just because you're a mama doesn't mean you don't have needs and feelings... and just because some of those feelings might feel "bad" to you doesn't mean you are in any way a bad or ungrateful mama. It is incredibly hard to be a parent. Really hope you feel like you're in a better place soon.

MJM3108

Rachel, I am so proud of you for having the courage to acknowledge the problem and taking steps to get help. I struggle taking care of Ben and he's only one baby! I honestly don't know how you MoMs do it. I will hold you in prayer over the coming days and weeks, and I continue to pray for your mom as well. Lots of love and respect for you, lady. (((HUGS)))

ETA- spelling

luvmyducks

((hugs))  I'm glad you are doing what is best for you.  Best of luck in your recovery.

[Deleted User]

I'm glad you are getting help. PPD is no joke. Just remember, you've done a great job & you are an AWESOME mom to those boys. The best thing you can do for them right now is to take care of YOU. ::hugs:: you aren't alone.