Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Expectations about dh and life in general

Dh and I hit a bit of a snag this past week with us bickering more and it's got me down.  I'm feeling really run down because ds has not been sleeping well the last couple of days.  I don't know what has changed, but he has been up what seems like a million times.  He still naps, but I can't seem to fall asleep when I try, so I don't really try anymore.  I had been feeling pretty good for a while, but feel like I've hit the wall, hard.  I feel tired in my bones.  I go from content to pissed with dh over baby care, comments I take the wrong way, etc.  It's been snowing and cold, so I haven't been able to get out and do things I need to do for Christmas or just for fun.  Yesterday I had to cancel a lunch date with friends that I had looked forward to because it snowed and I didn't want to drag the baby out in it (where I was going doesn't plow the streets well). 

Last night I had a breakdown because I got mad at dh for getting tired and going to bed when I still was up doing chores (I offered to bake him a pie for a work party and didn't get started until late b/c of the baby).  We argued until after midnight and ds ended up having another wakeful night.  I ended up breaking down again this morning and dh was very late for work, both of us tired and resentful.

I feel like I do most of the baby care right now.  While dh is very helpful around the house, I feel that he relies a bit too much on me to care for ds.  He will do whatever I ask him to do without complaint, but I guess I had an expectation that he wouldn't need to be asked and would just think "Hey, it's time for baby's bath, maybe I'll do it so my wife can relax".  He has a 10 year old son who we have every weekend, so I guess I assumed that he knew how to care for babies.  

Again, he does what I ask him to do without problem.  Why can't he just do it without me being the cruise director of our family?  When will it be more organic?  I'm afraid that I'm going to become the bitter, resentful wife.

Sorry about the ramble.  I am just having really rough day.

Dh will gladly

Re: Expectations about dh and life in general

  • Hang in there. My DS is a super easy baby, but DH and I are still having a hard time adjusting our relationship to the fact that there is a baby around 24/7. I think no matter what your situation, bringing a baby into the mix is going to be difficult. I have to remind myself that this transition will take awhile to be "normal" and that it will be a struggle for DH and I. In the end though, I know that we will adjust and that our relationship will be so much stronger because of it.
  • Sorry I have no advice, I just feel your pain. It is so hard when things that come so naturally to us as mothers don't seem to come natural to fathers. Then sometimes I think it makes it even worse to read about all the "over and above" husbands people have on this board. I know it's 2008 but it sucks when sometimes it still feels like it's 1958.
  • It is really hard but hang in there.  Don't expect your DH to read your mind and 10 years is a long time so he probably is feeling just as new as you and needs direction.  Just remember that it is the sleep deprivation that is making you irritable.  Just try and take a step back when you get annoyed and instead of arguing just give the baby to your DH and take a much need break by yourself in the other room.  It will get easier as the baby gets older, my DH and I bickered a lot for a while (which is not common for us) and as long as we keep the communication open and realize it's because of the lack of sleep it has helped.  Also don't be afraid to ask for help from other family members too, maybe a night out together would be good.  It will get better.
  • I understand where you're coming from.  I still have these issues with my DH, but it's better at least.  I told him that when he's home I really need his help b/c taking care of the baby is both of our responsibilities. 

    I finally started just giving him the baby and telling him I have things to get done around the house (the things I didn't get to do during the day).  I've also just accepted that DH doesn't know what I need him to do unless I tell him.  I try harder to explain to him nicely what I need him to do before I get to the point where I'm pissed that he's not doing anything. 

    Maybe you could suggest to your DH that he do bath time with your son and that it would be good bonding time for him and the baby?  Good luck.

  • ::hugs::  sorry you're having a rough time. 

    men however, literally need things spelled out to them, most of the time. not all men are that way but a lot are.  mine doesn't take it upon himself to do much really with the baby.  i have to ask him most of the time. one thing he does do that i'm grateful for is he'll go get her out of bed in the morning and change her diaper so that i don't have to. this is only once every 2 weeks or so maybe because he's away from home for work.  i never get breaks so i welcome what he DOES take upon himself to do.

    have you told him how you truely feel?  is this what is making you bicker? i suggest maybe seek some counseling. even a pastor at a church could help you. having a 3rd party present can help get things said easier.  the other person tends to listen more.  GL

  • Aw, it'll get better! My DH is the best....he cooks, cleans, and helps out, BUT......... he only does these things when I ask him to. In the beginning there were many days where I would cry to him b/c I was so overwhelmed with it all. He would come home from work and go on the computer and relax. Men are a little dumb and they need to be told what to do. My DH always tells me that if I want him to do something, I just have to tell him to do it b/c he doesn't think of the things that I do (laundry, dishes, dinner, etc.)Now that DS can stay awake longer and can be entertained easier, I find myself letting DH play with him while I do a lot of things in the afternoon and evenings and weekends. I go back to work in 2 weeks and then I'll need to have another talk with DH to make sure he's pulling his load as well.
  • DH and I fought a ton in the early days.  Things have gotten a lot better now that DS has started to STTN sometimes.  One thing that seemed to work well for us is to have different baby tasks that are just DH's.  DH puts DS to bed every night.  It gives me some time to do what I need to do and it gives us a routine.
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  • image missamy713:

      Maybe you could suggest to your DH that he do bath time with your son and that it would be good bonding time for him and the baby?  Good luck.

    That's the ironic thing.  I had finally started a conversation with him about how we really need to figure out some baby responsibilties more because I was feeling overwhelmed.  We decided he would do bath and book and I would put ds to bed since I need to bf.  I was so happy about that.  I think that's why I blew my top later when I felt he hadn't listened about how overwhelmed I was with chores and decided to just go to bed and let me stay up to watch the pie. 

  • I could have a written this post a month ago.  Right around the time D was 1-2 months we went through some nasty arguments about baby care... I was exhausted... etc.  It HAS gotten much better.

    Hang in there.  It is impossible to believe, but your body does adjust and even though I'm still waking up in the middle of the night I feel much less tired.  I too have difficulties "napping when the baby naps".

    Also, I think that men (yes, I'm making a sweeping generalization) do not have the same ability to think ahead about things.  I am definitely the cruise director of this ship, but I've realized that some things I just can't change. 

    Having said that, I also think that having a baby puts a huge stress on a relationship and I've found that any issues we had are magnified x 100.  SO, we are actually going to start some counseling, just to help us understand each other better.

     

  • Oh, and I agree with pp that you should try to find a babysitter and go out with DH. We did this about a month ago and it was much needed! We just left him for about 2 hours and went to dinner close by. We had so much fun talking and laughing and it really helped us to feel renewed again. Those sweet little babies can really put a strain on a marriage! =)
  • Its a hard adjustment. You need to tell your DH that you need time to yourself with out the baby.  WHen I was on Maternity leave I started to get really worn out doing the 24/7 baby care.  DH was awesome with helping me with house work, but, like you he left baby stuff to me.  After about a month I started getting really fed up.  I needed a break.  So when he came home from work I handed him the baby & took a nice hot shower for abotu an hour.  The next night he came home & I did the same thing... we also neede groceries so I told him I would go.  he offered to come & help & I said NO WAY, I needed to do something by myself.  Reschedule your lunch date.  You need "you" time.  Go get your hair done, something.  Take at least an hour a day to your self.  Let your DH know that you are getting burnt out.  It's new for both of you & he will understand.  I was getting resentful to because he would go to work for 8 hours a day & I was home 24/7... if I left durring the day the kid came.  It was a lot to handle & it's OK that you feel this way.  You are doing a great job, but you need a break.  Hang in there hon, it WILL get better.  I promise!
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  • Preaching to the choir! Man that sounds just like us the past couple of weeks! I would tell him that you feel like a nanny and not a mom who has other interests beyond your wonderful child. Tell him that he needs to step up from assistant to co-pilot. Just like he's a co-pilot in your marriage he should be the same as a parent. That is the conversation I had to have with my husband before he starting steping in. He may just be unsure of himself and you look like a pro. So he may feel intimatated by your mad mother skills. Let him take primary childcare for an hour or so and you go into another room or better yet... get out of the house. I have to get out or step away for at least an hour each day otherwise I start to lose my mind. Best of luck and it will pass as he learns how to take care of a baby. Sometimes parents forget after X number of years how to take care of babies.
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