Babies: 0 - 3 Months

HELP!! BFP!!

Okay, so basically I'm looking for advice, not someone to chew me out.

I just found out that I'm pregnant again....my son is 5 1/2 months old. I'm freaking out, because there are several reasons I'm not ready for this.

1) my marriage is slowly being reassembled from my husband's affair.

2) we are financially STRAPPED as it is. I'm not working anymore (I was doing in-home childcare), DH's hours have been cut at work, and we've already had to think about (oh GAWD) moving in with one of our parents, since we can't find a reasonable apartment or a roommate (which I'm kind of uncomfortable with anyway). All of the above is doing WONDERS for my marriage rehab, as you can imagine.

3) I don't think my son is old enough to have a sibling. DH and I wanted 5 YEARS so DS could be more independent and we wouldn't have the stress of two babies, two toddlers, etc.

4) I'm emotionally not ready, not to mention I just applied for law school. As it is, DS was a suprise--a WONDERFUL one that I wouldn't trade for the world, but unexpected anyway.

It's really weird. I'm really angry about being pregnant again. It's the second time I've gotten pregnant on birth control--first the Patch, now condoms. It's the worst possible time to find out that I'm pregnant, and I don't even know how far along I am....since we've been using protection I don't have an "educated" guess, and I flat-out can't remember exactly how long ago my last period was. I'm pretty sure it was about a month ago, but I'm second guessing myself because I'm freaking out, and my cycle wasn't back to normal yet. I've only had two period since DS was born.

I'm thinking that the logical step would be to have an abortion, but I'm worried about how I'd feel afterward, and while I believe that both children would be worse off being so close together, I'm wondering if I could handle it. Then I start thinking about the nightmare of having to support two babies, a year apart....especially when right now we're not even making ends meet. And what if we have to move in with family? EEK. That just adds a whole new dimension. I don't even want our parents to know that I'm pregnant again, I feel like a pregnant teenager, with no resources and nothing to offer a child.

Does anyone have any suggestions or neutral insight? I'm lost, and can't believe I'm facing this situation again, barely a year after the first time.

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Re: HELP!! BFP!!

  • No judgment, but please consider adoption.  Both babies would be best off. Definitely no picnic for you, but maybe give it some thought.  At least find out how far along you are before making a decision.
  • Is this for real?  After being pregnant could you really be ok with an abortion??  If you are being truthful... Have you thought about adoption?  You might feel much better about that option.
  • please consider adoption as well.

    I can't say much else because well frankly I'm a bit sickened by abortion as an option.

    Things have a way of working out. I'm sorry you feel so helpless. That is a tough situation.

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  • I'm not sure whether even to believe this post but If you are telling the truth this is my view. I am completely against abortion. There are so many woman out there who can't have children or have lost a child (myself included) and would give anything to have a child. My suggestion is to find a way to make it work. Moving in with your parents can not be the worst thing possible and it will give you and your husband some time to save some money and get a place by the time the baby comes.
  • I can't imagine but people do it all the time. I think I'd be excited and scared shiitless! Have you talked to DH? I'm sure his insight will help. It might put your mind at ease? I unfortunatley don't feel comfortable offering any insight into your choice about abortion - that is so personal and you both have to figure that out together.

    GL to you!

  • Wow, I'm going to answer this if it was me.

    If my husband had cheated on me, money was tight, my dc was only 5 1/2 months.

    I would still keep the baby. Even if my marriage ended and I was alone. I don't think after I had jackson I could look at an Abortion as being "logical". I can see how in theory it makes sence, but emotionally I don't think I could handle it.. I think in the end I would regret the decision. What if your marriage makes it, will you be sad that you didn't have your baby? That could cause more resentment toward your husband. Or if you get pregnant later will you always remember birth order as DC, "lost baby" dc #2? These are things you need to think about. I'm all for Pro Choice. This is a tough one. I don't know.I hope you can come to a decision you can live with. Good Luck.

  • My baby was a BCP baby as well.  I know how you feel.

    Hugs to you and I hope you come to a decision that is best for you and your family.

    Finley Anne ~ 11.9.2008
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  • I don't what to offer aside from a virtual hug. Think long and hard about your decision, and know you are doing what is best for your family.

    I was pro-choice prior to having a baby, and having her has made me even more so. 

    Only you know what you (and your relationship) can handle. You need to make the decision that is right for you. 

    I've been there for friends that have had abortions, and I've seen some that dealt well, and some that didn't. Feel free to page me if you ever need anything. 

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  • My kids are 11 months apart and they're the best friends you can ever imagine. They're still young, but the way they love each other is amazing.
  • I am so sorry. I hate to say that to a pregnant woman, but I see your situation. Truly, you know no one can make this decision but you, but since you're asking, I will give you my thoughts.

    First, if you did keep the baby, they would not be "worse off". They would be happy to have one another, even if it meant less money. If you had to move in with family for a bit, that would be okay..it would be hard, but doable. I wouldn't want to live with my family either, but I would if it came down to it.

    Having just had a baby, seeing all the ultrasounds, hearing it's little heartbeat, would you be able to terminate one- after knowing how it develops and all? I know it may sound like the easy and more logical decision right now, but looking back, will you be able to handle the emotions that will come with it?

    You do have something to offer a child! You have yourself. That's what children want more than anything- they won't care if they have used cribs or if they share a house with many people..they just want a mom who loves them and gives them a chance at life.

    Obviously, I'm not neutral, because I'm not an advocate of abortion. I know many people (including dh's ex with his child) who have gone through with one, and most all of them have long term guilt and other issues with it.... especially the ones with children. I wish you the best with all of this.

    Please don't be upset, but I want you to think about something. Since your financial and marital situations aren't good for 2 children right now- would you even consider giving away your DC you have so you could keep this one? NO WAY! Why, because he's part of you and you adore him, right? Well, not too long ago, he was only as big as the child inside you now.

    I know someone who works with women contemplating abortion, and helps them get financial assistance (medicaid, wic, etc). If you decide to keep the baby, I will be happy to help you (via the web) find those resources in your area. There are also places that offer counseling and whatnot for women who've  had abortions, in case you have one and need some support.

    Take all the advice you get here, and ponder it. Don't make any hasty decision. I wish you the best.

  • no judgement.  panic can definitely mess with reasoning though.  please wait before making any definite decisions and if you do decide that you cannot handle another child at this point, please consider adoption. 

    FWIW, my sister and i are very close in age and she is my best friend.  my parents DID have to live in my grandparents' basement until they got back on their feet (they were only 21 at the time).  things have a way of working themselves out.  plus, there are always things like WIC to help financially, and family to help out with the other things. 

    hang in there, and don't do anything rash -- wait until you've had some time to calm down.

    GL....

  • image MrsGo4Hockeychick:

    I don't what to offer aside from a virtual hug. Think long and hard about your decision, and know you are doing what is best for your family.

    I was pro-choice prior to having a baby, and having her has made me even more so. 

    Only you know what you (and your relationship) can handle. You need to make the decision that is right for you. 

    I've been there for friends that have had abortions, and I've seen some that dealt well, and some that didn't. Feel free to page me if you ever need anything. 

     

    Ditto, every word.

  • The ideal time to have children is either 1 year apart or 3 years apart, this is what my pedi told me when we were trying for DC#2. They would be very close, so do not use that as a deciding factor. My mom and her sister are 13 months apart and are best friends, they are a great support system for eachother.
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  • I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not sure what I would do in this situation but I do know this...you not having an abortion will not get the millions of infertile women in the world who aren't considering adoption yet anyway pregnant (how the hell does anyone saying this help her? It is the old "eat your peas because there are children starving in Africa" argument).

     

    That said, I hope whatever your decision is that you find peace with it. Adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby, all will be very difficult to deal with. Please go to imnotsorry.net for stories of women who do NOT regret their abortion, many of them with other children. 

  • image rara855:

    Wow, I'm going to answer this if it was me.

    If my husband had cheated on me, money was tight, my dc was only 5 1/2 months.

    I would still keep the baby. Even if my marriage ended and I was alone. I don't think after I had jackson I could look at an Abortion as being "logical". I can see how in theory it makes sence, but emotionally I don't think I could handle it.. I think in the end I would regret the decision. What if your marriage makes it, will you be sad that you didn't have your baby? That could cause more resentment toward your husband. Or if you get pregnant later will you always remember birth order as DC, "lost baby" dc #2? These are things you need to think about. I'm all for Pro Choice. This is a tough one. I don't know.I hope you can come to a decision you can live with. Good Luck.

    Exactly what I wanted to say. If I absolutely thought I couldn't keep a baby right now I would go the adoption route. I couldn't handle doing abortion now, after having DD. 

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  • I didn't read everyone else's posts but I would say that this is totally do-able. If you have to choose, why would you end your baby's life? Not judging, but I could never do either of your options after having DS. 

    That being said, I still haven't felt that DS is costing us all that much money. I worked in daycare before and quit so we have even less money. Why not get a job at a day care? You could make money while getting pretty cheap childcare.

    And you seriously think that your son would be worse off with a sibling than if he knew his mom aborted his sibling? How does that make sense? I think you should really look inside to see how you would feel about this. It is your child....starting out the same exact way your DS did and look at the love you have for him...

  • Big Hug to you.  I think first and foremost you need to give yourself a little while to calm down.  I know how shocking it can be, my DD was a big surprise too (but very welcome, like yours.)

    My SIL was in a similar situation.  Both of her sons were big surprises, and they are about 16 months apart.  Her marriage is not perfect, not even close, but those kids have a bond like nothing I have ever seen.  Regardless of how their home situation is, they have eachother.  Living with your parents is not as bad as it seems.  Just think of it as giving yourself a chance to get back on your feet before your kids realize how cramped it really was :)

    I'm of the mindset that the universe (or God, or whatever you believe in) will never give you something you can't handle.  The depths of the strength that women and mothers have is truly awe-inspiring! 

  • I am backing out of this post. 

    Rylee - 3.28.08
    Malakai - 8.3.09
    Ezra - 12.1.11 ASD
  • First off I am sorry you have been dealt these cards. Honestly if I got pg again right now I would also freak!!! I always thought I'd want them close in age...but 1 baby is enough work and money right now! However, I can't even fathom abortion, it breaks my heart, especially since I had to have fertility treatments to have my son. There are many women out there wanting a baby badly, maybe consider adoption if you really can't handle it. It will be okay, just really think about how things can be meant to be.
  • aww, Brenna...I hate to hear from you under these circumstances :o(

    My email address is cathmac01 at yahoo dot com.

    ***big hugs***?

    image DD and I. DD: 6/22/2008. DS: 6/22/2013
  • brenna, email me....if you're still reading this thread.

    mrsgo4hockeychick@mac.com

    I work tonight, but I will respond tomorrow.

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  • no judging here. i'm so sad for you that you even have to make this decision. i wish i had some advice for you.
  • Sweetie...slow down. I can tell you from experience, as my boys are 13 1/2 months apart, that it is terrifying...at first. Our second was not at all planned, and quite a shock because we were using protection.I had almost all the same thoughts that you are having for a while, but the farther along I got, the more accepting I became. That acceptance eventually became excitement.

    I'm not sure what to say about your relationship because only you know where you two are right now. But, if you are really both working on it and wanting to make it better, no child is going to change that. As far as money, there are programs out there to help make sure your children are fed. I won't lie, money is absolutely the most stressful thing right now in our lives, but we make it. On $200 a week, no less.

    As far as siblings being close together, your child will adjust. And frankly, he'll probably adjust more easily than he would at five years old. My oldest has done beautifully. He loves his little brother already.

    I think that the emotional readiness comes in time, really. I cried for weeks and couldn't think about anything else except how we were not ready for another. Now, I cannot imagine my life without both of my boys.

    Ultimately, the decision is yours (obviously), but I really think you should wait a week or two and really think about the effect that having an abortion could have on you. The effect that it could have on your relationship. And, God forbid, the effect it could have on your child if he were to one day find out. 

    I wish you all the best in making this tough decision. And a virtual ((hug)) for you because I know how you feel right now, and all I wanted when I was in your shoes was a little understanding and support. Good luck.

  • Wow, what a difficult situation you are in. I wouldn't make this decision based on worries of your children being so close together. They will not remember life without each other and I think that would be an incredible bond for them. I also couldn't fathom abortion after having DS but to be honest, I couldn't fathom adoption either. I couldn't imagine going through pregnancy, giving birth and not keeping my child. Hearing the first cries knowing that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital with my child. I can't even wrap my brain around that.

    I know this is an overwhelming turn of events but please don't make any rash decisions. You can handle this...things have an incredible way of working out. I know it feels like a lose-lose situation right now but give yourself some time for clarity, you can rise above this and get through it.

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  • This is what you have in your bio, now just a few months later (and another pregnancy later) write the post above. 

    Just after moving to Sacramento to finish my degree, we got two pink lines! It was October 8th, 2007, at about 6:00 in the morning. And DH's response was to mumble 'ok' and go back to sleep!!
     
    Our little one was a big surprise, but one that I immediately fell in love with. It's been hard trying to set everything up for the baby's arrival, especially since we're moving two weeks after the due date, which is three days after I finish school. But if life went according to plan, it would be very boring indeed :-)
     
    The first trimester was quite a trial, requiring weekly blood tests and genetic counseling for starters. But we made it past, and finally got to announce our news to our extended families at Thanksgiving.
     
    On January 4th, we found out that our little peanut was a boy...and thus began the real shopping ;-) Too bad I can't really set up a nursery for him yet.
     
    On April 18th, we found out that our little guy may be coming a little earlier than expected...at 31 weeks, I was already dilating and having contractions. So, although I'm aiming for a full 40-week pregnancy, we're really hoping to just make it to the 35 week mark so he'll be as healthy as possible. Suddenly each contraction makes me worry, and I'm forcing myself to drink even MORE water, and to keep my feet up whenever I'm home (which is why I'm on here so much lol).

  • image MrsFoof:

    This is what you have in your bio, now just a few months later (and another pregnancy later) write the post above. 

    Just after moving to Sacramento to finish my degree, we got two pink lines! It was October 8th, 2007, at about 6:00 in the morning. And DH's response was to mumble 'ok' and go back to sleep!!
     
    Our little one was a big surprise, but one that I immediately fell in love with. It's been hard trying to set everything up for the baby's arrival, especially since we're moving two weeks after the due date, which is three days after I finish school. But if life went according to plan, it would be very boring indeed :-)
     
    The first trimester was quite a trial, requiring weekly blood tests and genetic counseling for starters. But we made it past, and finally got to announce our news to our extended families at Thanksgiving.
     
    On January 4th, we found out that our little peanut was a boy...and thus began the real shopping ;-) Too bad I can't really set up a nursery for him yet.
     
    On April 18th, we found out that our little guy may be coming a little earlier than expected...at 31 weeks, I was already dilating and having contractions. So, although I'm aiming for a full 40-week pregnancy, we're really hoping to just make it to the 35 week mark so he'll be as healthy as possible. Suddenly each contraction makes me worry, and I'm forcing myself to drink even MORE water, and to keep my feet up whenever I'm home (which is why I'm on here so much lol).

    I'm confused...what's this have to do with her post?

  • Please don't let people tell you, or make you think, that you're a bad person for having thoughts of ending your pregnancy ... or actually doing it (if that's your decision). All the 'if I was in your situation this is what I would dos ...' don't mean jack shiit. The only thing that matters is what would YOU do? No one 'likes' the idea of ending an pregnancy, but not everyone is in your situation and won't have to live with the choice you make. Only you can make that call.

    Either way, I agree with some of the pp's when they say that you should take a step back and BREATHE for a moment and really assess the situation. Get yourself to the OB and find out how far along you are. TALK TO YOUR DH ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION.

    No judgies from me either way, but I think ANYTHING can be done if you want it badly enough. Will your life be the same?  No. Will it make things easier? No.

    Will both your children love each other, yes.

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  • Do you want this baby? If you have room in your heart for this baby and you want this baby, you will make it work.

    A year apart will be tough, but I'm five years from my next sibling in age and I feel like we are a generation apart.

    ??

  • Getting here a little late, but a big hug to you.  No one can make this decision for you and i am sure you will find support no matter what your decision happens to be.  First, i would take a big breather and get to your OB to find out how far along you are, then truly think about what you want, then talk to DH.  There are financial assitance programs out there if you do decide to keep the baby and my brother and i are 11 months apart, we are SUPER close and always have been.  GL to you!
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